Homosexuality: An Internal Struggle

For many years I have always suspected Donnie McClurkin and Tonex who both have strong presences in the gospel entertainment industry as being a part of the LGBT community as well. I never actively seeked confirmation for this hunch of mine because it lacked importance to me, if they were it was there business until they made it mine. I remember the first time that I heard Tonex sing, I was at the Crystal Cathedrals’ gift shop in Anaheim, CA after a rehabilitation session at the Kaiser Permanente out-patient center for the stroke I had just had. Immediately after viewing a demo compilation DVD of him and a few other gospel artist I brought his first CD aptly self titled which I absolutely loved, so much so that I purchased his second album immediately thereafter which the title escapes me……. I played his second album just once, that was all it took for me to feel his self hatred trying to engulf my spirit. I believe it was the second track where he sings “What is this I’m seeing, two girls kissing…” quite frankly, even in 2009 being homosexual is still largely taboo though this was at least 5yrs prior (which means that it was absolutely no better). Take into account when the lyrics were written which I made sure were by him because I refused to believe that he wrote the lyrics he was singing since I had a sneaking suspicion that he himself were gay, unfortunately I was proved wrong and my heart was broken and I would discontinue supporting his musical movement. I felt that he was doing what most gay people do when they are fighting their true selves, they put down the very community that will embrace them the most – and he was doing it rather publicly. Maybe this was guise that the music industry had put into action to throw off the media and the public from his non- traditional gospel music artist image and he was just following along, either way his actions were hurtful. This I could not accept in my life especially since in that time period (and probably still now today) you will not witness intimacy between two homosexual people unless you are in an environment that accepts them for who they are and our images are not very common on day time or even evening television, movies primarily aimed at us can not be found very easily in your local theatres and when they come out on DVD local retail chains aren’t advertising it as part of their product line. So for him to be able to witness “two girls kissing” one had to wonder where he was at and what he was doing to come across this sight…….

            I have since reconciled my musical relationship with Tonex due to my own personal growth and I brought his new CD released on a different label (which also speaks volumes to me) titled “unspoken”. I am very pleased with the content especially track 5 titled “Blend” which speaks of growth on his part: “Do you really wanna be like them? / Do you really wanna act like them? / Do you really wanna sound like them? / Why do you try so hard to blend…” (A.Williams). While I love the whole CD, those lyrics really speak to me!

            Recently Donnie McClurkin, in his own bout of self denial outed Tonex (who now goes by TON3X possibly due to his previous record label owning rights to his name or perhaps his way of wiping the slate clean, either way please keep in mind that this is my personal speculation.) to those of us who pay no mind to the media frenzies that often smear celebrities name and character through black lists for years to come… During  a sermon Donnie broke down and admitted that he had been saved from a life of homosexuality, going on to reveal that he had lost his virginity to an Uncle (who obviously committed incest and scribed scars into this man’s psyche that still have yet to heal) and how other people who are homosexual are confused and can be saved from it . While I appreciate the insight that he gave us into his personal life, it was heartbreaking to listen to him place blame on his past for who he is. Everyone knows what makes them comfortable in their own life and they make decisions based off of that, and quite frankly at least half of the gay community can testify to some type of sexual abuse occurring in their life at some point. What say you about the other half who can’t? For me it was almost like experiencing déjà vu when watching the youtube version of his testimony and my heart ached for every gay person that sat in that audience listening to him spill his shattered soul like shards of glass against their spirit, they didn’t deserve that. When you lack spiritual strength you can be left affected by actions like that. I’m honestly disappointed in Donnie, especially since he disrespected TON3X. Since he’s gay (and he may deny this all he likes which is his prerogative, but like him I am entitled to my opinion.) he knows all too well the emotional struggle that the homosexual community goes through to find internal and external acceptance and peace, why he would compromise anyone’s journey including his own is beyond me. Our journeys are sacred and powerful to our history and we shouldn’t be ashamed or made to feel ashamed of it. Yes, there are things in our community that I’m often confused by and just plain don’t understand but in remembering my own journey I know that our paths are not going to be parallel all the time. My greatest concern lies in the moment that he reaches self acceptance and finds a way to embrace the truth about himself. He will then have to face the time he’s invested in others “ministering” to them about their “confusion”, perhaps that will be his most powerful testimony of all but at what cost?

In typing all of this I must impress upon you that in no way am I angry with the decision that Donnie McClurkin made. I am honestly concerned for the emotional well being of the [southern] black gay community as we are damaged enough by the many “religious” sects that have denied us, and this public outcry has only given further concrete pseudo confirmation of an ancient belief drenched in archaic religious rhetoric that we as a people are an abomination. This also offers tools to continue to ostracize us from our core communities which only create more obstacles for us in our journeys. This is heartbreaking because it all derives from a member of our own community whether he accepts it or not, he is a part of us because at the end of the day we are all of one accord. Gay/straight/bisexual/transgender/intersex/hermaphrodite and many of us all believe in the same God, some only rejecting this God because of human interpretation that lacked comprehension…

Three Times is A Charm

 

I remember being in Bible study at a very young age and upsetting one of the older girls during play time because I was staring at her, I don’t remember particularly finding her attractive but there were things that were attractive about her… Specifically, her legs! She actually wanted to fight me but I was so confused by the whole situation that my older sister ended up intervening in the situation and bailing me out saying that I did that all of the time (though I have no recollection of this). When I was on the playground in Elementary all of the other girls were talking about the boys that they thought were cute and when they asked me I had to think hard about my response because I was initially going through my mind figuring out which one of THEM that I thought was the most attractive! I did have one male playmate that I would sneak off with during reading time to go play in our recreation area in the classroom, it was a kitchen set up but there was no gender role playing. We were just two friends who found something better to do with our time other than pay attention to our teacher. On one occasion I decided to kiss him on the cheek and then another male classmate within the same day to see if it would excite me any, it didn’t work and he and I never played together again.

       By time I was 9yrs old my sister teased me because my favorite artist were Michael Jackson, George Michael, and Milli Vanilli… She always claimed that they were gay and eventually she began calling me “Gay Lord”. In my young mind I felt that I had finally found a name for what I was but with the tone that she said it in I immediately knew that it was something I wasn’t supposed to be proud of but nonetheless I felt very relieved. Guilt started consuming me as the teasing persisted even though my father told her to stop. There was no one that I could talk to or identify with as my pleading eyes begged to see my reflection on the TV that needed pliers just to work. Eventually, there was one show which the title escapes me as it’s been nearly 20yrs since it was in syndication. It was about a women’s prison and my eyes were glued every night it aired waiting for the writers of the show to give two of the female cast members more freedom in their roles to act on their light flirtation with one another. Shortly after that happened it was cancelled and no other network picked it up, though I did notice one of the main characters would go on to have big screen fame and would appear in a few soap operas for extended periods but her name escapes me as well. Due to this strong lack of representation I often was confused about my gender, believing that I had been born in the wrong body because I was attracted to the same sex. One night after watching Howard Sterns’ late night show in my parents’ bedroom where he asked a scantily clad playmate in a red plaid uniform skirt barely touching her thighs, stripper heels, and breast spilling out over her blouse to jump up and down – I undoubtedly knew the truth about myself. I already felt like I walked around with this sign on my forehead that read “Hi, I’m Gay” so I took a pen to my parents bedroom wall and wrote: “Mommy, daddy help me. I like women” I had done it low enough to use one of their pillows to cover it up afterwards. I can’t tell you exactly how long it took for them to find it because I was a nervous wreck that entire night; however I can say that it was longer than a week. Upon the discovery my father exploded solely because someone wrote on the wall, tyrantly demanding to know “Who wrote on the wall?” never addressing the content of the sentence even when I admitted that I wrote it. Later, he would blame my mother for taking me to an Indian place of spiritual enlightenment called a “Dojo” where he felt that I had been influenced. No one ever had a full conversation with me regarding what I wrote on the wall other than talking amongst themselves saying various hurtful things without any regard for my feelings.

       Middle school became trying when I became extremely fond of a mysterious Latina who had a rich dark exotic nature. We had one class together, physical education. She never wore our uniform which was blue sweats and a white t-shirt, always something form fitting which was usually jeans and a tube top. Some of the best hours spent were walking with her around our baseball field. Around this time kids started spreading rumors about each other having AIDS, upon defending people inflicted with the disease I got accused of having it myself. AIDS being pegged the “gay cancer” made me panic, I felt that my secret was out and I began gay bashing one of my more masculine identified female teachers in order to fit in. I tried to like boys but my household wasn’t conducive to this feeling, so I taught myself to find things in guys that I found attractive in females…. Long hair, gorgeous eyes, nice legs, straight teeth, dark brown skin, big round gluteus maximus, athletic build, etc. eventually I was able to build up an attraction to guys but I wouldn’t consider it to be like “second nature”. This is not to take away from any of my relationships with the guys that I’ve dated, though most new my true feelings because my mantra was always “You won’t ever have to worry about me cheating on you with another guy, its females you need to worry about!”

       In high school 90% of the guys I liked were gay or “feminine” in their mannerisms, eventually I found myself attracted to a transgender friend (male to female). She was gorgeous and reminded me of my friend in middle school, also Latina (but that young lady was not transgender to my knowledge). With this revelation I decided to begin accepting my true feelings for females, by the age of 16 my high school had began a transition program for kids that lived in a group home for those who were otherwise homeless solely because their parents couldn’t accept their “alternative” lifestyles. The birth of “Project 10” an hour weekly session for kids who identified as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or questioning (LGBTQ) was lead by an openly gay male teacher in order for us to discuss our trials and tribulations. The “Q” was eventually dropped from the program because we often had up to 50 students who were more than likely our friends trying to get a “free pass” out of class, this made our core group no more than 15 students. During this time my close circle of friends began to change and those around me questioned my choices: “You know ___ is gay and everyone else is gonna think you are too?” in which my response would vary between: “And?”  “So?”  “Good, because I am!” “Why should I care?” This was a luxury considering what some of my other friends went through, One of my transgender friends (not the same one, but also male to female Latina)had to leave all of her classes 15minutes early as a precautionary method to ensure that she made it to her next class safely, another Latino friend who was a “raver” was often showered with homophobic slurs while walking the campus, though I would yell back “Fuck you!” or “Shut the fuck up!” in his honor he would tell me to just ignore them. I feel that no one should ever get used to being discriminated against, it is not a way of life! Most importantly he was my friend and friends stick together! The one rare time my father actually came to my school none of my new found friends were visible anywhere, it was like by some force of nature they were all stuffed in the janitors closet or something. I guess from every session of “Project 10” they knew that school was our safe place to be ourselves instead of at home…Also in this very same year a long lost cousin would arrive for a visit to reconnect with our family, she would confide in me that she was sick of the way guys treated her and was thinking about being with women in which I informed her that nothing would change in her relationships regardless of which gender she chose if she didn’t start choosing better people for her life and demand to be treated better by them and that I knew this through experience. She had a strained relationship with her older sister who got along better with my older sister who I didn’t get along with, which didn’t bother me because I was used to it. However for my cousin, who just got reinvolved in our family this was hard for her to accept and she would prove that she was willing to do anything to be in their good graces. One day, my sister came in my room (which she NEVER did!)to ask to borrow some nail polish… With her head stuck in the door which she slightly opened herself, her eyes panned my room and then she stepped in! I thought nothing of it, at the time my room was decorated with condoms all over the wall (though I wouldn’t lose my virginity until I turned 18 – true story, maybe later!)and various celebrity pictures, one in particular caught her eye: A picture of Marilyn Manson from his “Beautiful People” video (this is when he looked very Trans/androgynous, very controversial at the time – year ’97 I believe.)that my friend gave me before he transferred schools; I still LOVE that picture to this day! My sister then took me to her room to discuss it, I honestly don’t remember that conversation in any type of detail, and I just remember that it was emotional because we did discuss molestation and incest in that conversation. However, I did make it clear that I knew where she got her leading information from, she told me not to be mad at my cousin and I told her I wasn’t… Not for leading my second outing anyway, I was more so disgusted with that fact that our relationship seemed disposable for an opportunity to gain attention from 2 people who ordinarily could care less about her existence at the time. This isn’t a quality I admire in my friends let alone my own family! I haven’t spoken to her since.

       Throughout high school I primarily dated guys and had a few girlfriends. I even had a high school sweetheart who was probably one of the first people in my life to know that I had a proclivity for females which we discussed in great detail on many occasions. We even worked our “marriage” out so that I could continue to have relationships with females, unfortunately ours didn’t last a year but would pick back up throughout the relationship that he would have with the woman(an ex friend of mine) he would go on to marry and would continue throughout his marriage to her (for the record I always knew that I was one of many, just as he was… but our affair was one of the heart not of the body).Our relationship would end with him telling me that he would not leave his wife until his recently born daughter turned 13yrs old despite the fact that he himself was unhappy! I thought about what my life could be in 13yrs if I gave it the opportunity, surprisingly I didn’t “mourn” the “loss” of this relationship and moved forward. I would meet the woman who I would have my first adult lesbian relationship with shortly thereafter which would last 2yrs on & off. My high school sweetheart would try to make a comeback a couple of months later; he had a near death experience at a shooting range where the guy next to him committed suicide. Unfortunately it was too late; previously I was willing to make sacrifices that he couldn’t match. So like him, I began to live my life and that would be the last time that I would have to “Come out” to my family.