The Theory of Homosexual To Heterosexual Conversion

In light of my recent blog about Donnie McClurkin, I’ve been getting a lot of feedback and the icing on the cake was a [former] friend of mine claiming that she was converting to heterosexuality. First, let me say this before I even go deep into this subject: [WARNING: THIS IS NOT A DISCLAIMER IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM!!!] As I’ve gotten older I have begun to question the existence of homosexuality as gender becomes so fluid. Personally, I’ll answer to any gender terminology as long as it’s respectful. Now, I have female friends who own more masculine identities who sometimes prefer to be acknowledged as such and even when they don’t I tend to do so anyway. Also I have male friends who carry themselves in a more feminine manner and they either prefer to be acknowledged as such or tend to be regardless of their preference. Then there are my transgender friends, some I’ve known since pre-transition and some post transition and I treat them no different because we are all human at the end of the day. Quite frankly, my personal motto is: “Everyone is gay until proven straight!”

        With that being said, I’ll approach this subject as most people do believing that there are alternative “sexual” lifestyles and not acknowledging how gender roles and expressions are up for question… If someone is genuinely homosexual whether it be gay, lesbian, or bisexual they will approach relationships with the gender that they prefer to build romantic relationships with and just like their heterosexual comrades they will court/date them to learn if that person is someone who they can build their life with. Also with that territory comes sexual relations between both consenting adults. Personally, I don’t believe that the act makes anyone “gay” (or even “straight” for that matter) but yet the intent behind it. There are people who experiment with the “lifestyle” this is what the “Q” in LGBTQ originally stood for – “Questioning” but some of us have adapted it to mean “Queer” (I am one of those people). Our “questioning” comrades have been known to be in “the life” build friendships and have relationships within the community and then one day decide for whatever reason that it’s not for them. Some have remained allies but others get so “holier than thou” that they openly discuss their disdain for “us” and our “lifestyle”. First, let me say this – no one “decides” to be ostracized from their communities and families because they love differently, I say love because as hard as it may be to conceptualize for some people it just really isn’t all about the sexual act for us! This is where I will discuss three incidents that are relative to me:

        CASE #1: My first girlfriend (in my adulthood) identifies herself as a straight woman and did so throughout our whole 2yr relationship and continues to do so even though she has tried to re-approach our relationship a number of times. I loved this woman thoroughly and would have spent my life with her but she could not commit to who she is (or was) so therefore even though we discussed it many times it would never come to fruition without her making any moves toward self-commitment. She has also had other relationships with other women but yet and still does not acknowledge her “homosexual” ways openly. Dangerous territory, if you ask me…

        CASE #2: My [former] college friend who had a live in girlfriend when I met her and was screaming rainbows throughout our friendship recently informed me that she was converting to heterosexuality. Now, quite frankly I take no issue with whom people prefer to build their lives with as that has nothing to do with me. It was her “religious” stand point on the issue that bothered me as I had known her for years and she never even mentioned having a relationship with [any] God, on top of the fact that I often spent the night at her house over the weekends so that I could get to my own church easier as it was just around the corner from her place of residence and she never took me up on the offer to join me… While that is neither here nor there at this point it does cause me to question many aspects of our friendship if that was indeed what we genuinely had. I tried to converse with her in order to understand her point of view on the situation but she honestly didn’t make any sense. She had gone through some trials and tribulations with a former partner of mine and fell in love with someone who did not share the feeling mutually with her. Eventually she claimed that her lesbianism was the direct cause of her anger. I openly laughed at the blasphemous statement as another “converted” friend of hers jumped into our conversation and spoke ill of me for not being “straight” which was also laced with religious rhetoric. All in all I grew tired of trying to understand someone who I felt only meant to harm me because I questioned her decision to go in a direction that was seemingly unnatural to her existence, que sera…

        CASE #3: I was just recently informed that a distant acquaintance of mine “converted to heterosexuality” after being a lesbian for most of her young adult life. The decision has something to do with her somewhat religious upbringing and since I really don’t know her well all I can do is wish her luck in her endeavors.

        I can tell you this about homosexuality that I know every gay person that I know, including the ones that I don’t would agree upon: No one would ever choose to live a life that would cause them to possibly be disowned by their families, ostracized from their communities with the potential of never knowing what it is to be a family. As it stands it is still against the law for us to get married in many states and though we are recognized in others it is not mandatory for that recognition to be upheld throughout all 50 of these un-United States of America. It’s even saddening for me to try to understand why I need a law to protect my union with another consenting adult regardless of their gender but I do know that this is the world in which I live in….

      While I proudly live my life as an open lesbian being I can totally understand why someone would choose to “convert to heterosexuality”. There is a lot of pressure on the gay community to conform to societal standards based off of gender stereotypes. Hate crimes and suicide are the leading cause of death of many members within our community. Sometimes the suicide is a direct effect of an experienced hate crime (or multiple as we are never subject to just one in our lifetime). This is not a pity party just basic facts that most people often overlook. The ordeal many gay people face when it comes to religion can be rather traumatizing in and of itself, I personally have been blessed to be inexperienced in this area but don’t let my somewhat liberal background fool you as it has taken my family 20yrs just to realize that THIS IS NOT A PHASE!

        Recently I was at an event called “Lez Talk” hosted by a group called “Lesbos Are mad” here in Atlanta, GA. The hostess invited her mother to come speak to us to help her gain a better understanding of her daughter. This woman spoke of having concern for her daughters’ spiritual well being and asked us all (who felt comfortable answering) what we would say if God was standing before us… God is a sore subject for a lot of people in the Gay community because we have been biblicly beaten by religious zealots, some our own flesh and blood. Yes, there was a lot of answering around her question and testimonials of some sort. I do remember her question being answered directly but unfortunately I don’t remember any specifics. The lyrics of india.aries’ song “Video” played in my head, specificly this particular verse:

“When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me

Every freckle on my face is where it’s supposed to be

And I know our creator didn’t make no mistakes on me

My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes;

I’m lovin’ what I see…….”

And this is exactly how I feel about it regardless of anyone elses perception of me. If you’re so concerned about any impending damnation on my soul (or anyone elses for that matter) I suggest that in love that you get down on bended knees and go deep in prayer on my behalf. It would be much more appreciated than hearing the same misinterpreted Bible scriptures verbally beaten into our brains incessantly.

        In conclusion, everyone is entitled to live their life loving in the manner that is natural to them. I have always loved women, I have also loved men (just as passionately and intensely as any Same Gender Loving relationship that I’ve been in) the difference being my intent. I would not be able to commit my life to any man completely because I genuinely love women , bottom line – no special extravagant explanation, just my plain Gods honest truth that I live with. I don’t seek tolerance from anyone but I do hope to gain acceptance by helping people understand who I am, in turn my community shall benefit from my efforts. I love no one any less if they decide that being gay is not for them, I of all people understand but to quote Albert Einstein “If you can’t explain it simply then you don’t understand it completely…”

        Lastly, in direct conflict of my last sentence – no one owes anyone an explanation but if at some point we don’t confidently speak the truths that we live daily we won’t ever see Martin Luther King Jrs  “Dream” fruition into reality:

“I have a dream that my four children will one day

live in a nation where they will not be judged by the

color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

Homosexuality: An Internal Struggle

For many years I have always suspected Donnie McClurkin and Tonex who both have strong presences in the gospel entertainment industry as being a part of the LGBT community as well. I never actively seeked confirmation for this hunch of mine because it lacked importance to me, if they were it was there business until they made it mine. I remember the first time that I heard Tonex sing, I was at the Crystal Cathedrals’ gift shop in Anaheim, CA after a rehabilitation session at the Kaiser Permanente out-patient center for the stroke I had just had. Immediately after viewing a demo compilation DVD of him and a few other gospel artist I brought his first CD aptly self titled which I absolutely loved, so much so that I purchased his second album immediately thereafter which the title escapes me……. I played his second album just once, that was all it took for me to feel his self hatred trying to engulf my spirit. I believe it was the second track where he sings “What is this I’m seeing, two girls kissing…” quite frankly, even in 2009 being homosexual is still largely taboo though this was at least 5yrs prior (which means that it was absolutely no better). Take into account when the lyrics were written which I made sure were by him because I refused to believe that he wrote the lyrics he was singing since I had a sneaking suspicion that he himself were gay, unfortunately I was proved wrong and my heart was broken and I would discontinue supporting his musical movement. I felt that he was doing what most gay people do when they are fighting their true selves, they put down the very community that will embrace them the most – and he was doing it rather publicly. Maybe this was guise that the music industry had put into action to throw off the media and the public from his non- traditional gospel music artist image and he was just following along, either way his actions were hurtful. This I could not accept in my life especially since in that time period (and probably still now today) you will not witness intimacy between two homosexual people unless you are in an environment that accepts them for who they are and our images are not very common on day time or even evening television, movies primarily aimed at us can not be found very easily in your local theatres and when they come out on DVD local retail chains aren’t advertising it as part of their product line. So for him to be able to witness “two girls kissing” one had to wonder where he was at and what he was doing to come across this sight…….

            I have since reconciled my musical relationship with Tonex due to my own personal growth and I brought his new CD released on a different label (which also speaks volumes to me) titled “unspoken”. I am very pleased with the content especially track 5 titled “Blend” which speaks of growth on his part: “Do you really wanna be like them? / Do you really wanna act like them? / Do you really wanna sound like them? / Why do you try so hard to blend…” (A.Williams). While I love the whole CD, those lyrics really speak to me!

            Recently Donnie McClurkin, in his own bout of self denial outed Tonex (who now goes by TON3X possibly due to his previous record label owning rights to his name or perhaps his way of wiping the slate clean, either way please keep in mind that this is my personal speculation.) to those of us who pay no mind to the media frenzies that often smear celebrities name and character through black lists for years to come… During  a sermon Donnie broke down and admitted that he had been saved from a life of homosexuality, going on to reveal that he had lost his virginity to an Uncle (who obviously committed incest and scribed scars into this man’s psyche that still have yet to heal) and how other people who are homosexual are confused and can be saved from it . While I appreciate the insight that he gave us into his personal life, it was heartbreaking to listen to him place blame on his past for who he is. Everyone knows what makes them comfortable in their own life and they make decisions based off of that, and quite frankly at least half of the gay community can testify to some type of sexual abuse occurring in their life at some point. What say you about the other half who can’t? For me it was almost like experiencing déjà vu when watching the youtube version of his testimony and my heart ached for every gay person that sat in that audience listening to him spill his shattered soul like shards of glass against their spirit, they didn’t deserve that. When you lack spiritual strength you can be left affected by actions like that. I’m honestly disappointed in Donnie, especially since he disrespected TON3X. Since he’s gay (and he may deny this all he likes which is his prerogative, but like him I am entitled to my opinion.) he knows all too well the emotional struggle that the homosexual community goes through to find internal and external acceptance and peace, why he would compromise anyone’s journey including his own is beyond me. Our journeys are sacred and powerful to our history and we shouldn’t be ashamed or made to feel ashamed of it. Yes, there are things in our community that I’m often confused by and just plain don’t understand but in remembering my own journey I know that our paths are not going to be parallel all the time. My greatest concern lies in the moment that he reaches self acceptance and finds a way to embrace the truth about himself. He will then have to face the time he’s invested in others “ministering” to them about their “confusion”, perhaps that will be his most powerful testimony of all but at what cost?

In typing all of this I must impress upon you that in no way am I angry with the decision that Donnie McClurkin made. I am honestly concerned for the emotional well being of the [southern] black gay community as we are damaged enough by the many “religious” sects that have denied us, and this public outcry has only given further concrete pseudo confirmation of an ancient belief drenched in archaic religious rhetoric that we as a people are an abomination. This also offers tools to continue to ostracize us from our core communities which only create more obstacles for us in our journeys. This is heartbreaking because it all derives from a member of our own community whether he accepts it or not, he is a part of us because at the end of the day we are all of one accord. Gay/straight/bisexual/transgender/intersex/hermaphrodite and many of us all believe in the same God, some only rejecting this God because of human interpretation that lacked comprehension…