I’m Reclaiming My Life

 

Greetings Friends, Family, Loved Ones, Acquaintances, Current & Future Business Partners & Clients:

On this Fourth Multiple of 7 within the fourth month of 2020, I  must bring to your attention the necessity to bury my dead name and re-clarify my gender or lack thereof .

This comes about 2 days after a 10 hour conversation with a fellow group admin/moderator of a mutual facebook group that they created, I was checking in because of an idea that I had that I felt that them and their organization could help bring into fruition which I found out was already in its infancy stages of actually happening. A day after donating 3 bags of groceries to another facebook friend whom is a single mother & entrepreneur whose business has failed due to our health and economical climate for her & her family while we are stuck in a pandemic and grocery stores are barren of basic essential items. 7 days after the 18th year anniversary of me remaining stroke free, about 2.5 years since my diagnosis of cervical osteoarthritis, 9 months after the diagnosis and subsequential emergency hysterectomy that saved my life that I told everyone that I needed prior to even having my stroke which also includes my arthritis diagnosis which both I knew were inevitable in high school by the age of 17 because I  could literally feel my health declining in a multitude of ways as someone who had seizures that started to hide them because between New York & California, doctors were incapable of diagnosing the cause of them. I mention all of this because apparently this struggle was necessary so that feeding another family was possible. Prior to my hysterectomy I  brought groceries EVERY WEEK because I was ALWAYS HUNGRY AND TIRED, unfortunately most of them I’d never eat not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t since unbeknownst to me I had 2 large borderline Serous tumors, one on each ovary – one attached to my pelvic wall both growing and suffocating my other vital organs. So, they’d (the food) sit around until their expiration date. However, once I had my surgery I used some of my regained energy to go through my fridge and pantries to set aside items I could either give away for free or sell at a much reduced price from what they were sold for in the grocery store since I was fired from my job 2 months after my 3 month LOA ended that I took to have my surgery – why? Because not only have I changed my diet yet again but my tastebuds have also changed and I was born a picky eater as it is already so finding stuff outside of fruits & veggies that I’ll eat is hard af! So, the facebook group Rainbow Soul Bargains was born and has now fed one family which makes me extremely proud and happy as no one should be hungry EVER!

This also comes 1 year & 1 month after deciding to get licensed in Life & Health Insurance so that I could ensure that I helped as many people and/or their families secure their health & financial futures so that not only could I  pursue my passions but so they could too and I achieved starting that process by passing the certification course to gain my license 2 months ago.

I then became an official agent of World Financial Group to join their National  Finanacial Literacy Campaign to achieve my goal to break at least one generational curse amongst families nationwide, there is still much to learn to be able to effectively speak of my goals confidently so that when I speak to folks about my purpose in their life they genuinely understand my passion to assist them in any way that I can. I say all of this because everything starts with an introduction: Your name, mine will be legally changed to -> Rainbow Sage Love Soul – ASAP!! To be used in effect immediately, the only one exempt from this is my 4&5 yr old nieces as they may be the only ones whom understand the person behind my dead name and as much as I am doing it for me, I am doing it especially for them!! I am also non-binary/ Two – Spirit so, I will be changing my gender marker as well to reflect as such. I answer to all pronouns as long as they are respectful but my preferred pronouns are: They/Them.

When I hear my dead name used by people whom have not been close to me in any way, shape, or form in any phase of my life, especially when used with emphasis I cringe from the inside out because as much as I learned to love my father for the traumatized hurt man he was (just beginning to write this sentence has caused the flood gates to open like when Hurricane Katrina touched down in New Orleans – mainly remembered because it was the first time I had cried on my birthday in the years prior and has been a trend it seems ever since then, I’ll never forget Harvey Jackson of Biloxi, Missippi  [I used to spell the state name just for fun] who had to let go of his wifes hand during the floods with her permission because it was just impossible to save her – this world has been in trouble ever since in my opinion) as it was claimed that I was planned, I never felt that my father really truly embraced me as his child. Yes, I came out as Queer at 9yrs old by writing it on my parents bedroom wall in pen which was never addressed but that feeling existed even prior to that happening which caused me to ask my mother who my real father is at 16 – she asked why and then told me the man I know to be my father is my real father and I left it alone until…… At age 20, prior to having a stroke and my father on the cusp of a brain tumor diagnosis told me that he did not feel that I was his biological child in which I immediately refused a DNA test because that was never my responsibility to give/offer – clearly I’m an empath as well and ain’t no other man ever stepped up to claim me regardless if my mom was fuckin around or not (that i’m aware of) and since he took me away from her to keep what he knew as his biological child from living without her sister (his exact words to me) yet claimed to take such great pride in naming me, well it needs to be as dead as he has been for the past 4.5yrs and  I know I have his blessing not that I ever needed it or anyone else’s for that matter – because I heard our song today “My Girl” by The Temptations right after turning on Pandora to listen to my song “Man In The Mirror” by Michael Jackson – and so it is, and so it shall be: Rainbow Sage Love Soul

When I hear my dead name I hear 2 people who lacked the maturity to really be parents and their lack of support from family, friends, community, as well as society as a whole (Fuck the government, we need to overthrow that shit anyway – real talk!).

When I hear my dead name, I hear an unprotected child crying and hyperventilating in their bedroom after encountering another unprotected child because shit is cyclical like a storm…..

When I hear my dead name, I remember the last holiday I spent with my father where my paternity was up for discussion by someone who was emotionally abusing me and not even a part of the family biologically [Either? Shrugs.] at the dinner table amongst everyone. Hurt people, hurt people – well fuck em all. I’m challenging mfs to really grow now cuz we too old for this shit.

When I hear my dead name, I remember my fathers last birthday when he never got his custom birthday card, since he was a trekkie it had a klingon on the front and a funny Star Trek euphamism inside of it and a custom yellow Star trek Commander sweater (which the patch just come off in the dryer this past week) because he went into the hospital prior to and never came back home…….

When I hear my dead name, I’m reminded that my only living Uncle (that I  know of…)  whom I’ve called twice prior to the pandemic and the last time he said that he owes me and that he called me back hasn’t. I  hope you are well, I want you to know that my father really loved his little brother – while he was dying you were all he talked about. One of the major reasons he despised your wife was because he felt like she was the reason the two of you didn’t have the relationship that you’ve had in previous years instead of holding himself  & his little brother accountable for maintaining their relationship in a way that didn’t emotionally harm or traumatize either of you. I also remember as a toddler saying that I wanted you to be my father & you and him joking about it.

When I hear my dead name, I see a child being raised with strong Nation of Islam ideals and also a possibly narcissistic parent.

When I  hear my dead name, I  feel an already unprotected child further compromising themself for the love of others.

When I  hear my dead name, I see a man actively raising his children without ever being able to gain or even possibly rejecting the tools and resources to be the best man he could be for them and himself and thought that his college education would make him superior to those around him though claiming to give up his dreams of being an animator to take care of his family  because unfortunately we are taught to not live in our passions because they won’t make any money.

When I hear my dead name, I hear a man with crushed dreams crushing his own children’s dreams instead of nurturing them.

When I hear my dead name, I hear someone whom was silenced while being abused.

When I hear my dead name, I see someone whom was treated like an opiod addict and even if that were true – it was too much like right to turn a blind eye to their pain instead of actually getting them the help that they needed – because when we don’t help ourselves then we most certainly can’t help others.

When I hear my dead name,  I hear a broken promise to myself to name my abusers after being molested by psuedo family members and friends of the family to name name any abusers thereafter.

When I hear my dead name, I hear someone whom will never break free of curses generational or otherwise if I keep it.

When I hear my dead name, I hear someone whom has stayed silent to protect people I love from having to acknowledge my truth and pain therefore they will never know me by any other name than the truth they choose to accept or the lies they will allow themselves to live in.

When I hear my dead name, I remember not connecting my father to probably one of his only dearest living friends Frank Burnett, whom he met while playing Big Red for the theater production of The Five Heartbeats to help build the West Los Angeles Church. It turns out your presence was really needed fam cuz the singer never showed up for his funeral and let’s be real no one could’ve done him justice like you – I will always regret that.

When I hear my dead name, I feel confliction, chaos, and criticism.

When I hear my dead name, I hear someone who is the source of all of your problems but also your panacea. How does that work?

When I  hear my dead name, I hear someone whom usually goes unheard.

When I hear my dead name, I see someone that no one showed up for in some very important ways in some very important events in their life.

When I hear my dead name, I  hear someone stuck in all type of curses – generational & otherwise!

When I hear my dead name, I see someone trying to become an entrepreneur with a desire of no false starts.

When I hear my dead name, I see someone ready to call out everyone else but aint steppin to the plate themself by just simply living in their fucking truth and forcing everyone else to catch tf up or fall all the way back.

I wish to no longer hear my dead name, I  don’t wanna disown anyone in my life but that’s where I’m at with it. Since the universe decided to bring me full circle with this hysterectomy and I’ll never have my own biological children I am now all of yours gaurdian DNA related or not. In order to learn you must first acknowledge that you don’t know everything (and that’s ok – anyone who does is incapable of growth and no one can be met in willful stagnance and remain there if they wish to continue to be blessed with my presence.) Most if not all of you have always known that I am a writer if I am nothing else and I told you one day you’d be written about – you’ve had plenty of time to wait for time to heal and clearly that has not been the case and I’ve verbally stated that time has healed nothing in these disconnections of ours. Also, a lesson I’m currently actively teaching myself is that you can not finish sentences of those you’ve never actively listened to in the first place. The relationships that you wish to have are waiting for you to be present in them.

For those of you whom have reached out to me, I  honestly don’t know what or whom you expected to get so I have maintained a distance because I can do cordial but I  don’t know how to be fake. Spiritually, I  do a lot of inner shadow work – I’ve forced myself to look into the mirror until I loved who I had learned to hate again.

I am unwilling to move backwards in my life so, if you wish to remain in it – let’s get right before you get left!

It is now 12:38AM EST 04/29/2020, I started this yesterday around 7pm EST, I had woken up a few hours before and started my day with a dog walk, job interview (cuz it takes money to make money ya dig?), and a conversation with my niece and sister while icing my wrist since I have an on set of De’ Quervain’s Tenosynovitis (Self diagnosed like most of my health issues) and lawd knows I aint goin to nobody’s hospital and walkin out with a death sentence. I’m good luv, enjoy! fuk that lol!I also have yet to eat,  I say all of this for you to understand the seriousness of the situation and I  feel like if you’ve taken the time to listen to any of  #45’s (he is now a number like most prisoners [of his own fuckin stupidity] so I will never address him by any name) addresses as if you were going to get any truth from him, then you most certainly have the time to read/listen to this.

My goal is not to go into my 40th year with my dead name in heavy rotation if at all, this gives those of you whom genuinely know me by it almost an entire 1.5yrs to get it together – there will be gentle reminders but after that I’m ghost cuz that’s plenty of time to get right or find yourself gone up outta my life and I will feel no way about it because you will have that precious time that you love so much to show and prove to me how much you really respect me and my truth. This is a gentle request for now but it will eventually become a hard demand with no fux given!

If this ain’t a helluva declaration, I don’t know what the fuk is but ya betta get into it sooner rather than later!

Even this meme has it’s own irony because my father always said that if anyone were to ever play him on television he would want it to be Denzel Washington!

I have always known who I am, I will no longer minimize that person for your comfort – matter of factly I am reclaiming their life, let me introduce you to:

Rainbow Sage Love Soul

It is now 1:44AM EST, I still haven’t eaten and I just heard a very important song by Layton Greene called “Blame On Me” cuz  at some point while I was writing I informed Alexa that I was cleaning (and i meant that shit) and my Ella Mai playlist came on.

I didn’t take this lightly & you shouldn’t either – peace!

The Wiz: 40 Years Later

  In honor of the 40th anniversary of The Wiz which is an adaptation of The Wizard of Oz NBC created The Wiz Live which aired on December 3rd and will again air as an encore presentation on December 19 as rumor would have it but it is currently available to stream from the NBC app 24/7. 
The Wizard of Oz is a movie that was released on August 25, 1939. It starred Judy Garland as Dorothy, Clara Blandick as Aunt Em, Ray Bolger as the scarecrow, Jack Haley as the tin man, Bert Lahr as the cowardly lion, Frank Morgan as Oz, Margaret Hamilton as the Wicked Witch of The West, and Billie Burke as Glinda The Good Witch.

The Wiz is an adaptation of that film and it was released on October 24, 1978. It starred Diana Ross as Dorothy, Theresa Merritt as Aunt Em, Thelma Carpenter as The Good Witch of The North, Michael Jackson as The Scarecrow, Nipsey Wilson as The Tin Man, Ted Ross as The Cowardly Lion, Richard Pryor as The Wiz, Mabel King as The Wicked Witch of the West, and Lena Horne as Glinda The Good Witch.

Preceding the premier of NBC’s live anniversary show for The Wiz #WhiteTwitter went on a tirade about how the production was racist because there was no white people casted for the production which is beyond ignorant. There is no other way to put it because it lacks confusion and just to clarify what I mean when I say this let me break it down so that it is forever broke:

ig·no·rant

ˈiɡnərənt/

adjective

1. lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated.
con·fu·sion

kənˈfyo͞oZHən/

noun

1. 
lack of understanding; uncertainty.
To highlight just a few of the asinine comments made in regards to the musical:
“Minorities act like they’re the victims, but can you imagine if we made an all – white version of The Wiz?”

“This country being so PC is driving me nuts! Mad bc of an all white frat party but we have an all black cast for the Wiz. Insanity!!”

“This is how I feel. Remaking something with an all-black cast seems… a tiny bit racist.”
Now, let’s run back that release date of The Wizard of Oz: August 25, 1939
In 1939 black face was still acceptable to portray characters that were supposed to be black. While I am unaware of blackface being portrayed in the 1931 film “The African Dodger” it is extremely important to mention it because it sets the the tone for how black people were regarded during that era. The African Dodger, also known as “Hit the Nigger Baby” or “Hit the Coon” was as commonplace in local fairs, carnivals, and circuses as Ferris wheels and roller coasters are today. The purpose of the game was to hit the target with a ball-with one of your three throws-and win a prize. It sounds like a common carnival target game, but there was one unsettling part of the game, namely, the game’s target was a real live human being, a “negro” human being. In St. Louis in 1913, it was reported that carnival organizers were “unable for hours today to secure an ‘African Dodger’ who would allow baseballs to be thrown at his cranium at the usual rate of three for 5 cents;” the reason was that future Hall of Fame fastball pitcher Walter Johnson was rumored to be at the fair (“Don’t Want”, 1913). The game was so popular nationwide that newspapers mentioned the African Dodger game along with trained animals, illusionists, penny arcades, merry-go-rounds and magic shows in the list of a carnival’s attractions. Dodgers made headlines when they were seriously and horrifically injured-otherwise, they were nameless victims. 

In 1932 the film “Blonde Venus” was released which features a musical number “Hot Voodoo” in which Marlene Dietrich appears on stage as a cabaret singer, wearing a gorilla suit to the sound of drums, attended by a chorus of women in  decked out as “natives. 

In the 1944 film “Holiday Inn” which is about a man who leaves show business who opens up a Connecticut Inn with his former partner and is saved from financial disaster by the showmanship of old friends. For entertainment at the Inn, it is proposed that a Lincoln’s Birthday tribute should be done in blackface. So, do you really believe that between 1932 – 1944 that black people had any level of equality let alone respect to be hired as co-stars to white people?

Now blackface isn’t even necessary as  melanated people are obliterated by simply using a primarily white cast in movies such as “The Ten Commandments” (1956), “Exodus” (2014), and “Gods Of Egypt” (2015). 

With all of that being said #WhiteTwitter let me kindly address you with my concerns:
Dear #WhiteTwitter,

“Minorities” are constantly victimized by your arrogance, ignorance, and white privilege – hence the very reason that I am writing to you now since I just had to inform you that “The Wiz” is an adaptation of “The Wizard of Oz” which does have an all white cast! Oh, you think this country is really being politically correct? So, politically speaking here – how is it that I can watch President Obama being socially snubbed by multiple white constituents and trust that they are making proper decisions that are inclusive of my needs with the ability to understand the root cause of what holds me back as a citizen in the society that they govern without causing further unjust burden to my livelihood? Your precious frat parties are breeding grounds for deeply rooted ingrained racial discrimination that could fester and turn into a white superiority complex that leads to participation in “organizations” (I use that term very loosely) such as the Ku Klux Klan. Who is raising your children, that’s right – you are! You certainly seem to come across as incapable of raising your children better when they can be found online parading pictures of themselves in blackface for “Halloween” without understanding the historical context behind it but why should they care? You certainly don’t know let alone understand the history of pain that you have caused as a people against so – called “minorities” (your words, not mine because there is nothing minor about me!) because it’s all fun and games to you. This is why when your precious frats like SAE record themselves singing a little racist “diddy” they aren’t concerned with the repercussions of such heartless behavior because you have taught them that it’s OK as long as they don’t get caught and even if they do you’ll “make it go away”. I personally don’t feel that I need to go any further with dispelling the myth of racism here but I’ll humor you. See, the foundation of racism was created by none other than Willie E. Lynch when he gave his speech on the bank of the James River in the colony of Virginia in 1712 on how to make a slave which outlined every single difference imaginable that could be found between two different people that could be used to pit them against each other which also caused mistrust so that slave owners didn’t have to be concerned with what would be a negative impact for them to have those they enslaved united. Even the term “lynching” comes from him which is the act of hanging enslaved black people for what would be seen as behavior that displayed resistance to that indoctrinization. So, help me understand how racism has caused you to not succeed or excel in life? I’ll wait…….
Now that I’ve released my grievances upon you, I do have some constructive criticism! I think it would be totally awesome if you revamped “The Wizard of Oz”, I actually have some great cast suggestions! Tori Kelly as Dorothy, Celine Dion as Aunt Em, Justin Bieber as The Scarecrow, Justin Timberlake as The Tin Man, Conor Maynard as The Cowardly Lion, P!nk as The Good Witch of The North, Adam Lambert as Oz, Gwen Stefani as The Wicked Witch of The West, and Adele as Glinda The Good Witch. Now, that’s a live show that I’d watch!!

Signed, 

I Know That You Didn’t Think You’d Get Away With Disrespecting A Soul Classic Without Getting Your Soul snatched For It!
P.S. 

(Because no great letter goes without one *wink*)

An official 1974 sequel, the animated Journey Back to Oz starring Liza Minnelli, daughter of Judy Garland, was produced to commemorate the original film’s 25th anniversary. I personally was unaware of this information but came across it during my research which was primarily done via google, #WhiteTwitter Google is your friend – please use it before making much to do about nothing i.e. Before you spazz out and show just how stupid you really can be.

I also heard through the grapevine that there was at least one token white cast member of “The Wiz Live” but I was too excited eating pizza and live tweeting while I was watching it to even notice not that I would’ve even cared, you know why #WhiteTwitter? It’s expected and (sometimes begrudgingly) accepted. Even in spaces that are primarily created for us we can’t enjoy the peace that we’ve created among us, in the quiet understanding of our oppression our oppressors still feel the need to flex their presence and we have learned that at least it’s better now that we’re off of the plantation even though many of us did not experience it, we know our history and aren’t willing to be doomed to repeat it.

The fact that we even have to discuss the “token” white cast member in and of itself speaks to the culture of White America and how they often leave “minorities” misrepresented or just not represented at all (not limited to the media). The cartoon SouthPark has a character named Token because he is often the only black animated character in a skit. While be it as it may that it is for satirical purposes it stems from the truth. How do you even think that the term “Token” came about in the first place? Tokenism started in the 1950’s and was brought to our attention by two of our most prominent civil rights leaders Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X when it was realized that black people were being inserted into White Culture so as to appear more diverse then they actually were as this was just a move to bamboozle us into the belief that equality would eventually come for us by using someone who was deemed as non threatening to them. 

So, #WhiteTwitter I feel that I have dispelled all of your grievances and then some but quite frankly I also feel that you don’t care, that “The Wiz” was just another outlet for you to use to deflect your white guilt in order to further victimize black culture as a whole for all of the problems that you have caused us for what you would probably consider to be our fault. So, since we all know that there won’t be any accountability for your ignorance – how about you get off our accomplishments and create some of your own, starting with the remake of “The Wizard of Oz” please and thank you!
BACK TO THE MAIN PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG!!
The Wiz Live boasts an all star cast with new comer Shanice Williams as Dorothy, Stephanie Mills as Aunt Em, Amber Riley as The Good Witch of The North, Elijah Kelley as The Scarecrow, Ne – Yo as The Tin Man, David Alan Grier as The Cowardly Lion, Queen Latifah as The Wiz, Common as The Bouncer, Mary J. Blige as The Wicked Witch of The West, and Uzo Aduba as Glinda The Good Witch of the south.
For her first actual acting job Shanice Williams lucked up with the career starter of a lifetime because we all know what a staple The Wiz was in our childhood so to hear of a reproduction of the original set as a live show, most other adults that I know were beyond ready to not only watch it for themselves but with their children and other loved ones. What a great way to introduce yourself to the world as an up and coming actress. Opportunity knocked and Shanice flung that door wide open and let it run all up and through her life! You could tell that she put the work in as she glowed in her role as Dorothy, you could really see that she was living in the moment – a rarity to catch a glimpse in the life of a fresh actress. What we witnessed was stardom in the making, I don’t doubt that Tyler Perry will be knocking on her door next!!

Who else was ready for the incomparable Stephanie Mills!? I know I certainly was, Ms. Mills actually could relate to Shanice Williams as she too rose to stardom from her role as Dorothy in the original Broadway run of the musical The Wiz from 1975-1977. However, I know of her through her music career with songs like “I Have Learned To Respect The Power Of Love”, “I Feel Good All Over” (my personal jam!!), and “Something In The Way (You Make Me Feel) [another personal fav of mine!!] and more…

If you’ve never watched the early seasons of “Glee” then you may not know who Amber Riley is. When she first hit the screen I was an instant fan because her characters name was Mercedes just like one of my best friends in High School, then she blew me away with those pipes of hers that she calls lungs! It was a wrap, I was always waiting for her to sang! Now you know when you say someone can “sang” instead of “sing” that means that they could blow the house down with the power of their vocals. With that being said I really don’t feel that her role in The Wiz showcased that at all her but her character was enjoyable to watch.

When I was first introduced to Elijah Kelly he was in what would become one of my favorite movies (The DVD still skips from excessive play and I have yet to replace it.) “Take The Lead” (2006) he also was in the movies “Hairspray” 2007), and “Lee Daniels’ The Butler” (2013). Reprising Michael Jackson’s role as The Scarecrow has to be intimidating for any actor as those aren’t just big shoes to fill but ginormous!! Watching Elijah in “Take The Lead” which is a film based off of teaching inner city youth classical ballroom dancing to keep them off of the streets and also based off of a true story – I knew Elijah could do the dancing but I never heard him sing before. I must say that he held his own and certainly had a few highlight moments in the show where he really shined for me.

Ne-Yo actually penned one of my favorite songs in 2004 which is “Let Me Love You” for the singer Mario but by time his debut album in 2006 came out with the second single “So Sick” that’s actually how I felt about it – not for any lack of talent on his part but the constant radio play which I’m sure was great for him drove me crazy. However, since then he has released quite a few songs that I really enjoy so I was looking forward to his reprisal of the role The Tin Man. While I understand that acting is about making a role your own I just don’t feel like he did that completely, his rendition of “Slide Some Oil To Me” left much to be desired since originally it is a much more fun and upbeat tune but over all he did a pretty good job as he too had some highlightable moments as he kept me intrigued with the southern twang that he embraced for the role.

I grew up watching David Alan Grier every week on “In Living Color” so I was ready to see DAG (as I have always called him because I always think “DAG – that guy is good!”) be The Cowardly Lion and he did not disappoint, he owned every scene and often out shone the other actors on screen with him. He actually has an extensive background in theatre which I was unaware of prior to this and it was definitely noticeable, but what really stood out for me was the snarl that he did as the Cowardly Lion – I’m still trying to figure out how to do it myself because that was just so cool to me!

OK, admittedly I am greatly biased when it comes to Queen Latifah as she is one of the first women of hip hop in my opinion. I was in middle school when “U.N.I.T.Y” hit the air waves, despite being a California native I was still fresh from a move from NY after living with my mother and now living with my father so I often felt like a foreigner and barely treated any better by my classmates as I started to learn about the world around me beyond the surface. Queen Latifah arrived on the scene when young black girls and women needed a voice that wasn’t submissive to their struggle and while she did that and then some she then decided to step it up by flexing her acting skills as Khadijah James on “Living Single” where she further went on to show that black women were more than bedroom companions who stayed home and cooked and cleaned all day or possibly worse. We got to see black women in a more positive light, holding down careers while balancing friendships and both familial and intimate relationships but most importantly we got to see that we could be better than how the media normally portrays us and that was important. Amidst rumors surrounding her sexuality Queen Latifah then embodied the role of Cleopatra “Cleo” Sims in “Set It Off” and showed us that masculine women of center are just as human as their more feminine counterparts. Her career didn’t stop there as she has went on to star in a multitude of movies as well as dropping several album releases. So, you can imagine that there was no one more ready than me to see The Queen “Set It Off” as The Wiz and that she did!! Let me just give a quick Kudos for costume design because she was wearing that Emerald Green like she designed the color herself! The Queen was very dapper in her Emerald City suit (and I bet you that she smelled good too!!) Again owning the duality of Masculinity & femininity for this role she was able to capture the humanity of The Wiz in a way that was nostalgic of her role as Cleo but a lot more subtle and versatile.

I was once told “Common Sense ain’t Common everywhere…” and oh how true that statement is!! However, the poet, rapper, and actor Common or as I grew up knowing him as Common Sense has really taken the time to hone his craft in the entertainment industry. I remember bobbing my head to the song “I Used To Love H.E.R.” not even realizing or understanding the impact that it had in the music industry – hip hop in particular. Common, like most artist didn’t just stick to the music and slid on into acting as well, starting with Cameos as himself and then diving into more serious roles. Admittedly in my adulthood I enjoy his collaborations more than his solo work now and I can’t really speak on his acting since there are less than a hand full of movies that I’ve seen him in despite the list being long but I did enjoy his recent Lip Synch battle. Though Commons role wasn’t big in The Wiz I felt like it left room for what could’ve been more so that he could really display his talent, him rapping at least one number could’ve opened up his character so much more. Unfortunately that didn’t happen so there really isn’t much to speak on as far as him being the bouncer for club Emerald City which is a shame since since in the last year alone he has acquired both the African American Film Critics Association in the category of Best Music and the Academy Award for Best Original Song along side John Legend ( a singer) for their song Glory for the movie with the same name. Just a waste of talent in my opinion! There could’ve been so much more done with his character, any actor could’ve played his role…….

This woman has sang the sound track to my life on way too many occasions to count from “Real Love” to “Just Fine” Mary J. Blige has been singing my life with her words for a long time coming and while I haven’t heard anything released after 2008 that’s not when her musical career paused or even ended, matter of factly MJB has had quite a few album releases since then and has even jumped into the acting realm like most of her co-stars. Starting in 1998 on the now defunct sitcom “The Jamie Foxx Show” as a preachers daughter who wanted to play more than gospel music. In 2001 she starred in one of my favorite independent films “Prison Song” opposite of Q-tip (a rapper and actor in his own right.) and then continued on with other acting opportunities before landing a supporting role in Tyler Perry’s movie “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” (2009). She also starred in the Lifetime Movie “Betty And Coretta” as Dr. Betty Shabazz, the widow of Malcolm X. Her depiction of Evilene, The Wicked Witch of The West was reminiscent of a young MJB fresh to Bad Boy Records (Sean “P. Diddy” Combs’ music label) telling us “What’s The 411?” and I was all ears as she gave us those same choreographed church moves like she was one step away from catching the holy ghost! Oh, but wait she is supposed to be The Wicked Witch of The West right? Mz. MJB was giving us old nasty church sista realness, you know the kind that smiles in your face then talks about your Sunday best behind your back!? She left the kids gagging with this one.

Last but not least Uzo Aduba was introduced to us through her bold and in your face lovable character “Crazy Eyes” through the Netflix series “Orange Is The New Black” for which she won the 2014 Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series as well as the 2015 Award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series, she also is the only actress to win an Emmy Award with recognition in both the comedy and drama genres for the same role. While she has taken on other acting roles, this is immediately her most recognizable. She also has done some theatre work and she has projects coming up next year. Now, I had heard that Uzo was a classically trained vocalist but that still did not prepare me to see her descend upon that stage looking like the goddess that she is and then for her to part those lips and give the kids life was a thrilling experience – I was left absolutely stunned and wanting more!

Overall, The Wiz Live was entertaining and very nostalgic. I enjoyed everyones role from the munchkins to Emerald City, I think they really strived to speak to the generation beneath me and I feel that they may have possibly succeeded. From the crows that did the “nae nae” (which is a dance, for those of you who are unaware.) to the Emerald City dancers vogueing their lives away (which I lived for by the way) and then Dorothy telling The Lion, Tin Man, and Scarecrow that they are supposed to be her “squad”, The Tin Man telling Dorothy that he’d “Molly whop anybody” for her, and The Wicked Witch of The West talking about “casting shade” were certainly worth a few chuckles. I did notice a few stage production errors that only those with a keen sense of sight might catch and one that was extremely noticeable. However I do understand the “operative word here, which is LIVE! Meaning there are no green screens or stunt doubles so you’ve got to work with what you’ve got – very much like watching a stage play on live TV (Think back to Tyler Perry’s early years!). So, I have absolutely no complaints because even though I would’ve liked to have seen Common make his character more memorable I do also understand that you were also working with a time restriction via network contracts – again doing the best with what you had. TWO THUMBS UP FOR A JOB WELL DONE!!

Are You Lying In Bed?

The question still stands as stated in the title, there are no sexual connotations – ok, maybe a few…. Do you like who you go to bed with at night? Not just your partner but YOURSELF! Are you being honest about your desires in both aforementioned relationships?

Lying In Bed is a stage play that will explore these questions in a thought provoking manner. It is written by Cole Thomas, produced by Agenda Benda Justice and Directed by Tee Jay Johnson.

The cast and crew are requesting your help to bring this stage play to life in Atlanta, Georgia and beyond if possible. If Donations of $10.00 or more from at least 200 supporters are received by February 10, 2012  at Noon Eastern Standard Time then the play will be able to begin to go into production. Even if you are only able to give the minimum of $1.00 your support will still be appreciated!

Will you be one of the 200 supporters? It’s possible!

I Don’t Know What You’re Watching But, I’m Watching BETWEEN WOMEN!!

I DARE YOU TO GO!!!!

 

 

On December 13^th, 2011 The ground breaking – genre shattering new webisode series “Between Women” debuted their first episode! There was so much anticipation for the show that with over 3,000 viewers logging in at the same time the host site crashed and the episode had to be posted to Youtube the next day! For the most part a good portion of those viewers stuck around for the live streaming of the cast which was initially supposed to be a post show event to introduce you to the actresses who made up the cast of the show and to answer any questions that the viewers may have had.

The first episode immediately introduces us to Rhonda and Miller, brought to life through Dominique LaToy and Marisa “Dred” Carpenter in which the hot topic of marriage equality seems to play a key role in their relationship. Rhonda wants to “tie the knot” with the philandering Miller but will she get the ring or someone else? We are then introduced to Sunny charasmaticly played by Amber Jones who infuses comedy into the gender queer character who is still finding her way out of the closet and into the ladies. We Segue into meeting Brooke and Allison thrust to life by Julia “NOBLE JULZ” Hamilton and Onyx Keesha who deal with the issue of domestic violence in the LGBTQ community through their on screen roles. Insecure and jealous Brooke is determined to keep Allison through her bullying and possesive ways but will the relationship be killed by them first?  Jess, Rae, and Beautiful dynamicly brought to life by  Red Summer, Look Alive, and Shammonique Mattox are in an unlikely love triangle as Rae tries to balance her relationship with Jess while co-parenting with Beautiful. Toya LaDonna Sessoms  and Tajir Hawkins portray the roles of Winney (who is also Miller’s cousin) and Mecca, the couple built on a shakey foundation. Will they repair the cracks together to forge on stronger in the future or will they shatter all together?

All of the characters and their relationships with one another and to each other are all highly relatable and upon the release of episode two we have the opportunity to learn this as we dive further into the characters livelihoods. We open up with Mecca rummaging the fridge while on the phone sweet talking someone who is NOT Winney, will there be crossed signals or will Winney remain in the shadows of Mecca’s love life outside of her? We then join Rae showing up at Jess’ home with Beautifuls’ son in her arms asleep, an argument ensues which leads to Rae excusing herself from Jess’ home but does she really leave her life all together? Then segueing into Millers’ major event that she was planning in the last episode we then attend “Hump A Lezzy”  where Allison finds an opportunity to voice her feelings about Brookes’ insecurities in their relationship, we finally get to hear how Beautiful feels about her “love triangle” with Rae, then Winney chimes in on how she feels that ex-lovers should not be friends based off of Mecca’s claim that any female that she is corresponding with is “just a friend”! Brooke also puts her 2 cents in on the situation when Beautiful confronts her about her insecurities possibly stemming from her lack of sexual expertise… Which leads to yet another argument between her and Allison, who unexpectedly receives a phone call from a cousin who is stranded after their car breaks down and needs her assistance thus causing her to leave the event early which of course does not sit well with Brooke either and causes another quick dispute before she leaves. Of course the partying continues without her and Mecca shows up uber late in the midst of Winney telling an urban legend based off of an alcoholic beverage, which by the way she never “humped a lezzy” (let’s not forget the theme of Millers’ event…) but I  guess the liquor was flowing heavily and either everyone forgot or just didn’t care! Miller then announces her surprise to the group which is a confessional room via Reality TV style. We first hear from Beautiful who feels that Sunny is acting strangely (but pertaining to what?), Sunny admits that she is in a funk (but we still don’t know what about…), Miller admits that she’s in love with someone other than Rhonda (Are we really all that surprised?), Winney admits to having bisexual tendencies (I guess it’s safe to say that she’s not a gold star!), Mecca claims that Winney gets on her nerves (but yet and still continues to keep this facade of a relationship with her going, what’s the point?), Brooke resists the flow and instead answers her phone in which she threatens the person on the other line with physical violence and upon realizing that everyone has heard the conversation claims that it was just a bill collector (Either she has serious anger issues or something else is “iggin” her, I’m just sayin‘… Bill collectors get on my nerves too but lets be realistic for a second here!). After the event Brooke waits for Allison to arrive home in which another argument ensues about her whereabouts though she was present when Allison received the call from her cousin requesting assistance. This argument turns physically violent and the scene ends with Allison being drug into the bathroom… Rae calls Beautiful and requests to take her and her son Junior out for a movie night in which she obliges and then calls his father to make a request of her own only to get his current girlfriend on the phone which leaves a bad taste in her mouth. We leave off with Winney low key stalking a woman in the library who she is interested in with a male friend (who is presumed to be gay because I  don’t know many straight men who would go along with this little scenario.) and she confides in Miller about it but admits that she is unaware of her sexual preference…

Episode 3 opens up with Sunny calling Beautiful for advice on how to “pet her g-spot”! We then join Mecca who is treating Winney to a romantic dinner which unexpectedly gets interrupted (by what? I’m not telling… You’ve got to tune in to find out!). We Segue into the home which Miller shares with Rhonda, there is an argument already in pursuit when Rhonda confronts Miller about her lackadaisical attitude toward their relationship and when she hears what she doesn’t want to she physically attacks Miller who only uses her size to intimidate Rhonda into the reality of what the situation could be… In the meantime we join Rae and Beautiful on the first part of their movie night which begins at McDonalds and then we rejoin Rhonda and Miller back at home where Winney enters the scene (which makes me question her living arrangement because my girl came in their bedroom rockin’ a hair bonnet and loungewear and hopped up in betwixt them like she lives there, I’m just sayin‘!) talking about a date that she has to get ready for which apparently for the time being is a one sided feeling considering it is with the woman that she still has no clue about what her sexual preference is… Our last scene ends with Beautiful being the first to arrive at the home of Allison and Brooke with the rest of the gang showing up only minutes later, it seems that they were supposed to be meeting up for a reason not quite clarified. Upon entering their home all of them are greeted by a shifty Brooke, a bad odor, and a messy home. An unrecognizable noise and a non present Allison raises suspicion amongst them all and with further insistence they find her severely beaten and tied up in the bathroom. Is she dead? Find out on the next episode on Tuesday, January 24, 2012 at 9:00pm EST.

If you are interested in joining the production team or cast and are in the Atlanta, GA area:

Tag Team Studios is holding a casting call for the TV show Between Women. The show does feature lesbians, but all of the roles are not lesbian roles. Please do not reply if you are not comfortable! Must send resume & headshot to tagteamstudios@yahoo.com

*Crew Call-Interns & Non-Paid Projects

Please bring resume and sample of work highly suggested

Camera Operator, Casting Assistance, Production Sound Mixer, Cinematographer, Director of Photography, Gaffer, Film Editor, Location Manager, Production Manager, Script Supervisor, Set Designer, Make-up Artist, Cosmetologist, Costume Designer,Legal Counsel, Accountant, Graphic Design Artist

*Talent Casting Call

Girl 2 aka Jean – must be comfortable with dogs

Sasha — 21-28, African American, must be sexy!

Girl 1 – 24-30, any ethnicity

Allison’s cousin — 21-28, African American

Ramon’s wife — 24-34, African American, must be feisty!

Junior — 2-4, African American, must be light, follow directions, and be able to play dead

Girl 4 aka Stephanie — 22-28, any ethnicity, must be sexy!

Sex store clerk — 21-35, any ethnicity

Girl 5 — 21-28, any ethnicity, must be sexy

Tasha — 21-28, African American, must be sexy!

2 police officers – any age, any ethnicity,

2 EMT – any age, any ethnicity

Girl 6 — 24-30, African American, Stud/masculine female

Ramon — 25-35, African American, attractive male,

Jason — 25-35, African American, attractive male, needs to look rich and smooth

Girl 7 — 24-30, African American, Stud/masculine female

Justin – 7-11, African American

Mya – 21-30, African American, pregnant

Hospital receptionist – over 21, any ethnicity

Doctor — 35-50, any ethnicity

Chip – 24-30, African American, Stud/masculine female

D – 24-30, African American, Stud/masculine female

Beautiful’s mom – 45-55, African American

Sunny’s mom – 45-55, African American

Receptionist – over 21, any ethnicity

Dr. Jenkins – 26-35, female, any ethnicity

Brooke friend 1 – 24-30, African American, Stud/masculine female

Brooke friend 2 — 24-30, African American, Stud/masculine female

Brooke friend 3 — 24-30, African American, Stud/masculine female

News anchor — 30-35, must be well spoken, male and female

Eccentric Lady — 40-60, must be able to play eccentric

Monica — 22-30, must be sexy!

Girl 8 — 24-30, African American, Stud/masculine female

Girl 9 — 24-30, African American female

Girl 10 — 24-30, African American female

Coffee house worker — any age, any ethnicity

Pregnant woman – any age, any ethnicity

2 black men – over 21

2 white men – over 21

Girl 11 — over 21, any ethnicity

Ms. Alice – 40-55, African American, funny

3 young guys — over 21, any age, any ethnicity

Jewelry store worker – 30-50, male

Waiter at restaurant — over 21, any ethnicity

Kerri – 21-28, African American or Hispanic, must be sexy and comfortable playing a lesbian

911 Operator – over 21, any ethnicity, must be well spoken

Boss — 35-50, male, any ethnicity

Allison’s BFF — 22-30, African American female

Girl 12 — 24-30, African American, Stud/masculine female

Edward – 28-33, African American male, handsome

Go Go Virgo Power!

This astrological season marks a new beginning for me, for those of you familiar with astrology then you may be familiar with the term “Saturn’s Return”. This usually happens in ones’ life every 28 years when all of the planets are aligned in the exact same position as when you are born (or something to that effect). Last year one of my elders informed me of this phase in my life at the BLU retreat in Malibu, CA. I had all but put it in the back of my mind up until I had read my horoscope and there was mention of this time frame ending. Excitedly I googled it, I haven’t done any major research but just enough to give me a gist of what this phenomenon is…..

          With the death of Michael Jackson still very relevant in my mind, I made a lot of changes or just maintained some abrupt ones, which I am very blessed to have experienced. Though some of the experiences have created hardships, it is nothing that I can’t handle in comparison to the distress that I felt before they existed. I often think about how Michael Jackson gave up his entire life, every aspect of it to do what he loved – LITERALLY! I wonder if he’d do it all over again…. If so, why, I think the reasons are obvious if he chose not to.

          Recently, one of my followers on Twitter committed suicide (the second one that I’ve experienced thus far in my life and I’m keeping my fingers crossed and praying that I don’t experience anymore!). Her name is Juliann “Juju” Pearson (Screen name –> @complexfemme), we never made it past introductions but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s human just like me and we were connected in some way, shape, or form in this universe. Matter-of-factly later I would learn that her birthday was the day after mine. I read my astrology book on birthdays and their symbolic meanings, looking up her birthday it said that individuals born on this day tend to be fatalistic especially when they’re in dark stages of their lives so I hope that she’s finally resting. I remember when the news of Juju passing hit me like a brick, someone had ReTweeted (RT) this  message “ RIP @complexfemme” from one of her followers. Somehow I inherently knew I don’t know how, I just did. That past weekend I had been in my own dark place, avoiding all social sites because I didn’t want to be accused of running to “imaginary people” instead of my “real” friends (who happen to be on those sites as well, mind you.). I remember feeling deeply sad and lost, unable to focus due to my personal life both romantically and professionally. I couldn’t imagine anyone else residing in a similar dark place and certainly not making it out alive. I was in a hurting place so I don’t need to imagine how Juju was feeling, our difference is that Juju did reach out – on Twitter. No one was there, including me to reach back. This saddens me even more because this was originally my purpose in being on these sites, to have an outlet and to be an outlet…. I didn’t and I wasn’t, as we say on twitter – That’s an #EpicFail. My heart genuinely aches for her – still…. I will always remember her last tweet “It’s been real, see ya next lifetime” before that she posted “I just wish that I had someone to call to make me laugh.” We would’ve been on at the same time that morning because I had insomnia, I might’ve caught that post and maybe her last one wouldn’t exist because she’d still be alive but we’ll never know…. I did extensive research and gathered a lot of intel to learn about the person who I had a slight acquaintance with. Juju was on the verge of graduating college when she was called home to care for her grandmother, I also believe there were some financial issues involved. I’m assuming that coupled with the possibility that she was not ready to make that sacrifice in her life that that may have been the final straw for her. Juju wasn’t even 25, I wish that she had had the opportunity to learn that not all hardships last forever but I know how in tune us Virgos can be with our emotions so much so that it seems that we live in the extremes because when we feel something we really feel it….

          I don’t want to be doomed to repeat my history so as I get older I often look back at my past to ensure that I don’t repeat the same mistakes. I haven’t mastered this methodology yet but as I move forward my future only gets brighter because of it. I stopped thinking “If  life gives you lemons, make lemonade!” and started thinking “When life gives you lemons don’t make some sour ass lemonade, extract the seeds and plant them creating a field of lemon trees. Cultivate and harvest the land, now you’ve got a profitable business of selling lemons which have multiple uses!” I no longer “Fake it til I make it” I work toward succeeding accomplishing my goals, actually marinating in the lessons that I learn along the way so that if I run into those “tests” I will breeze past them.

If I had to say, the most important lesson that I’ve learned thus far is that there is no success in being a professional multi-tasker. There is always something or someone that you are neglecting that is vital to either your professional life or your personal life or even worse BOTH. So, in closing the lesson that I am actively practicing is to always remember that anything that I’m trying to accomplish relies on me taking care of myself first in order for anything else to fruition!

I LOVE LGBT Indie Artist!!!!!!!

Being that I began the process of “coming out” at the tender age of 9 which would rewind us into the late 80’s/early 90’s around the time that the only images of anything queer in mainstream society was Rupaul and “the gay cancer” HIV/AIDS. Positive reflections that hinted any representation of me weren’t very accessible let alone easy to find in nature. This left me in a further state of confusion as to who I am as a person because if the society that I am a member of did not recognize me and others like me in not just a positive light, but in any light beyond the shadows of depression and disease was my life even worth living!?

In finding myself at a crossroads of sorts I began writing and becoming an active member of my community: open, queer, & proud! I am capable of utilizing many forms and genres of writing but my preference is poetry. It is my poetry which has thrust me into the limelight of my community and has made me an artist in my own write *WINK*…….

However, this blog is not about me *wink*……. Through my artistry, in a sense I am often looked upon as a voice for my community. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, appreciating, & building relationships with some of the most intelligent, beautiful, and talented women within our community and I’m taking the time to highlight their skillz:

I met Angie evans around 2005, a gorgeous woman suggested that I attend the open mic that she hosted in Long Beach, CA at Viento y Agua café every Tuesday. Angie, equally gorgeous herself and eclectic in nature had a very “R0kr chik” vibe with a great spirit and an amazing aura. Assisted by guitar she opened her show up with a Mary J. Blige cover which blew the crowd (along with me) away. Upon introduction Angie is very personable, eventually she invited me to feature at her spot in which I eagerly & happily obliged. Though we have lost touch over the years as our paths no longer cross on a regular basis with my move to Georgia and her constant touring which has brought her probably to a city close to you, I will forever cherish the memories of artistic comradery that we created…

Having been introduced to the BLU retreat (formerly sistahfest) also around 2005, I was very blessed to have met Afia Walkingtree. A professional drummer whose presence enamored all of the youth at the retreat. In this generation the word “swag” is heavily used but if you really want a formal introduction then you need to meet Afia because she will teach you what it really is through her presence. Afia, has this smooth confidence because she truly “walks to the beat of her own drum” and it is conveyed through her calm spirit and positive attitude. Through her music she offers affirming lyrics that offer healing and as a woman & a stroke survivor they are not only appreciated but needed because with all of the chaos in the world we forget:

“I am ALIVE!

I am BEAUTIFUL!

I can do anything I put my heart & mind into!”

Thank you Afia, because of you I will always remember this *SMILE*

Being an avid twitter user I was approached by J. Holloway of  USE OF FORCE ENTERTAINMENT in 2009. Upon listening to her MySpace music page an exchange between us immediately began. The track that caught my attention is titled “Queen” not a ladies anthem but an anthem for the real women in the universe. The lyrics which are savvy and witty take a defiant stand against blatant disrespect of women and the disregarding of our feelings that often take place not just on the streets but in the media as well. It also is a reminder across the board of our capabilities and stature as not just women but black women as well. Among being a great lyricist and vocalist J is also a producer and videographer to watch out for because she is definitely a force that you want to reckon with!

In 2009 when I was assisting with an online radio show I was introduced to the music of Anye Elite, an openly male gay indie artist. I immediately fell in love with his song “Love It Up” a sassy tune that declared his love for another man. A bold move in the bible belt but one that was definitely loved by me. I played tag with Anye through various social networking sites until we were able to have a quick exchange through Facebook about my appreciation of his artistry. It is not often that black gay male artist come with the type of confidence to be themselves that Anye conveys through his music.

Nefertiti A.K.A nefTUNES was also another artist that I ran into during my stint with the online radio show that I assisted. I was actually at a former associates home reviewing video from a performance of a recent feature spot that I did at Left Eyes UNI Studios which was produced by Cambridge Jenkins IV (a local artist extraordinaire himself) in which I had taken a great risk of growth on my part by exercising my lungs through singing (I have never believed that god gave me the gift of song though I love to sing but I was about to learn who he did bless with that gift…)as I watched myself bluff through pseudo confidence and belt out hooks that I designed specifically to outline certain poems I swelled up with excitement and exclaimed the self pride that I felt. Nef, standing behind me in a calm tone sharing that experience with me simply said “me too”. What an endearing moment that would be the foundation of a friendship to be pursued… Later on that evening Nef was easily convinced to share her talent with what had turned into a group of us all hanging out and being creative with one another and for eachother. She retrieved her guitar from her car, sat in a chair, strummed a few chords and then she opened her lips which led rhaspy smoke hazed vocals dripping in blues origins with a hip vibe that took us on a ride through our favorite song on the radio… After that night it would be months before I saw Nef again but I was very determined and eventually I would find out of her performance at our local Malcolm X Fest where I would make my presence known, which is easy when you’re offering your support because every bit has value and quite frankly you never know exactly who you’re networking with and how they may be able to help you. The best part of learning Nef throughout this last year has been finding out how reciprocating she can be when it comes to support which is a foundation that she set forth upon our first meeting and has remained consistent with. Nefs’ very humble nature is extremely refreshing and though I have no criticism of a non-constructive nature for her I do know that if I did that she would really think about it and take my feelings into consideration and try to understand where I was coming from. There aren’t many artist like that in the world which makes her very embraceable.

Also in 2009 while researching another indie artist that I had seen at a recent pride performance, upon landing on her MySpace page I learned of an event called MONDO HOMO which is a Queer Artist Music Festival located in Atlanta, GA. Upon going to their website I learned of a group called KIN4LIFE, I found out that they would be moderating a workshop that was perfect to help me assist in gaining focus for a project that I was embarking on for my job on the behalf of indie artist in our local area. I also found out that I could stay “in the know” by following both them and the event on twitter which I did. No further research on them had been done and I attended the events workshop eager to meet them, usually this is not my typical approach but the project I was organizing was huge and had it been allowed its success would have been the first of its kind so I was willing to accept help from any angle since I had a million ideas with no guidance from my “superiors” since I would be the first to pave the way. I had a big pseudo green light that I eventually realized was blazing red (but that’s a story for another time)……. I sat down with them and mapped out this event and as industry insiders they were able to give me insight and advice that helped me realize the direction that I wanted the project to go in if I were to be the sole organizer. What I learned during that time is that KIN4LIFE is a duo made up of 2 college educated women both named tiffany, to kill all confusion one goes by nor and the other IQ but I never questioned those pseudonyms deeper meanings. Upon graduation they found that their love for music was still strong and they came together to turn their dream into reality (well, that’s the jist of it anyway)… Nor is quite the playboi but don’t let the charm fool you and IQ is truly a lioness though quiet she maintains a striking eye catching appearance that leads you to inquire about her presence. However, neither of them are to be toyed with. Their first nature is being business women, being artists comes next. Jointly they own their own record label –> NORIQ (there goes that deeper meaning, I guess *WINK*…….) in which they manage their own artist. Being artist themselves, as a duo they compliment eachothers vocal styles very well. I would liken them to a hip-hop/rock lesbian version of Floetry but somehow I still don’t feel like that’s any type of justification for their vocal talent. They are definitely one of a kind, receiving notoriety within our community through various media outlets such as LOGO TV, Southern Voice (SOVO is an LBGT newspaper), landing the title track for the second season of The Lovers and Friends Show, etc. You may not see or hear them coming but you better get ready because they are arriving whether you like it or not!

My break out artist for 2010 is Jimmii Montana! One night a few months ago I received a text from a friend telling me to check out this chicks youtube channel, her name was interesting enough plus the refferer is a trusted source of good information so not long after I checked her out. Though Jimmi does a lot of covers twisting the lyrics to suit her and has yet to release anything original except maybe a few freestyles……. Let’s just say that I can’t wait for the mixtape! This chick is a beast on tracks that aren’t even HERS! WHO DOES $#!T LIKE THAT? Jimmii! What’s even more attention grabbing is that she covers mainstream artist work that I don’t typically support but because she kills THEIR TRACK it makes me wonder what they did when normally I wouldn’t care……. Again, I CAN NOT WAIT FOR THE MIXTAPE! I want to know what she is going to do with tracks that are her own and I want to blast them throughout my household but until then I’ll enjoy her recent feature in IKONS magazine!

For the most part please notice that I did not mention age or education levels throughout their profiles because they all vary. These women (and Anye *SMILE*) recognized the passions of their dreams and worked diligently to turn them into reality, some of them are still in the process as you read this. Please support them by visiting the links that I provide on their behalf and enjoy the music as well because just as much as it is for them, it is for you too……. ~Thank you!

The Theory of Homosexual To Heterosexual Conversion

In light of my recent blog about Donnie McClurkin, I’ve been getting a lot of feedback and the icing on the cake was a [former] friend of mine claiming that she was converting to heterosexuality. First, let me say this before I even go deep into this subject: [WARNING: THIS IS NOT A DISCLAIMER IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM!!!] As I’ve gotten older I have begun to question the existence of homosexuality as gender becomes so fluid. Personally, I’ll answer to any gender terminology as long as it’s respectful. Now, I have female friends who own more masculine identities who sometimes prefer to be acknowledged as such and even when they don’t I tend to do so anyway. Also I have male friends who carry themselves in a more feminine manner and they either prefer to be acknowledged as such or tend to be regardless of their preference. Then there are my transgender friends, some I’ve known since pre-transition and some post transition and I treat them no different because we are all human at the end of the day. Quite frankly, my personal motto is: “Everyone is gay until proven straight!”

        With that being said, I’ll approach this subject as most people do believing that there are alternative “sexual” lifestyles and not acknowledging how gender roles and expressions are up for question… If someone is genuinely homosexual whether it be gay, lesbian, or bisexual they will approach relationships with the gender that they prefer to build romantic relationships with and just like their heterosexual comrades they will court/date them to learn if that person is someone who they can build their life with. Also with that territory comes sexual relations between both consenting adults. Personally, I don’t believe that the act makes anyone “gay” (or even “straight” for that matter) but yet the intent behind it. There are people who experiment with the “lifestyle” this is what the “Q” in LGBTQ originally stood for – “Questioning” but some of us have adapted it to mean “Queer” (I am one of those people). Our “questioning” comrades have been known to be in “the life” build friendships and have relationships within the community and then one day decide for whatever reason that it’s not for them. Some have remained allies but others get so “holier than thou” that they openly discuss their disdain for “us” and our “lifestyle”. First, let me say this – no one “decides” to be ostracized from their communities and families because they love differently, I say love because as hard as it may be to conceptualize for some people it just really isn’t all about the sexual act for us! This is where I will discuss three incidents that are relative to me:

        CASE #1: My first girlfriend (in my adulthood) identifies herself as a straight woman and did so throughout our whole 2yr relationship and continues to do so even though she has tried to re-approach our relationship a number of times. I loved this woman thoroughly and would have spent my life with her but she could not commit to who she is (or was) so therefore even though we discussed it many times it would never come to fruition without her making any moves toward self-commitment. She has also had other relationships with other women but yet and still does not acknowledge her “homosexual” ways openly. Dangerous territory, if you ask me…

        CASE #2: My [former] college friend who had a live in girlfriend when I met her and was screaming rainbows throughout our friendship recently informed me that she was converting to heterosexuality. Now, quite frankly I take no issue with whom people prefer to build their lives with as that has nothing to do with me. It was her “religious” stand point on the issue that bothered me as I had known her for years and she never even mentioned having a relationship with [any] God, on top of the fact that I often spent the night at her house over the weekends so that I could get to my own church easier as it was just around the corner from her place of residence and she never took me up on the offer to join me… While that is neither here nor there at this point it does cause me to question many aspects of our friendship if that was indeed what we genuinely had. I tried to converse with her in order to understand her point of view on the situation but she honestly didn’t make any sense. She had gone through some trials and tribulations with a former partner of mine and fell in love with someone who did not share the feeling mutually with her. Eventually she claimed that her lesbianism was the direct cause of her anger. I openly laughed at the blasphemous statement as another “converted” friend of hers jumped into our conversation and spoke ill of me for not being “straight” which was also laced with religious rhetoric. All in all I grew tired of trying to understand someone who I felt only meant to harm me because I questioned her decision to go in a direction that was seemingly unnatural to her existence, que sera…

        CASE #3: I was just recently informed that a distant acquaintance of mine “converted to heterosexuality” after being a lesbian for most of her young adult life. The decision has something to do with her somewhat religious upbringing and since I really don’t know her well all I can do is wish her luck in her endeavors.

        I can tell you this about homosexuality that I know every gay person that I know, including the ones that I don’t would agree upon: No one would ever choose to live a life that would cause them to possibly be disowned by their families, ostracized from their communities with the potential of never knowing what it is to be a family. As it stands it is still against the law for us to get married in many states and though we are recognized in others it is not mandatory for that recognition to be upheld throughout all 50 of these un-United States of America. It’s even saddening for me to try to understand why I need a law to protect my union with another consenting adult regardless of their gender but I do know that this is the world in which I live in….

      While I proudly live my life as an open lesbian being I can totally understand why someone would choose to “convert to heterosexuality”. There is a lot of pressure on the gay community to conform to societal standards based off of gender stereotypes. Hate crimes and suicide are the leading cause of death of many members within our community. Sometimes the suicide is a direct effect of an experienced hate crime (or multiple as we are never subject to just one in our lifetime). This is not a pity party just basic facts that most people often overlook. The ordeal many gay people face when it comes to religion can be rather traumatizing in and of itself, I personally have been blessed to be inexperienced in this area but don’t let my somewhat liberal background fool you as it has taken my family 20yrs just to realize that THIS IS NOT A PHASE!

        Recently I was at an event called “Lez Talk” hosted by a group called “Lesbos Are mad” here in Atlanta, GA. The hostess invited her mother to come speak to us to help her gain a better understanding of her daughter. This woman spoke of having concern for her daughters’ spiritual well being and asked us all (who felt comfortable answering) what we would say if God was standing before us… God is a sore subject for a lot of people in the Gay community because we have been biblicly beaten by religious zealots, some our own flesh and blood. Yes, there was a lot of answering around her question and testimonials of some sort. I do remember her question being answered directly but unfortunately I don’t remember any specifics. The lyrics of india.aries’ song “Video” played in my head, specificly this particular verse:

“When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me

Every freckle on my face is where it’s supposed to be

And I know our creator didn’t make no mistakes on me

My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes;

I’m lovin’ what I see…….”

And this is exactly how I feel about it regardless of anyone elses perception of me. If you’re so concerned about any impending damnation on my soul (or anyone elses for that matter) I suggest that in love that you get down on bended knees and go deep in prayer on my behalf. It would be much more appreciated than hearing the same misinterpreted Bible scriptures verbally beaten into our brains incessantly.

        In conclusion, everyone is entitled to live their life loving in the manner that is natural to them. I have always loved women, I have also loved men (just as passionately and intensely as any Same Gender Loving relationship that I’ve been in) the difference being my intent. I would not be able to commit my life to any man completely because I genuinely love women , bottom line – no special extravagant explanation, just my plain Gods honest truth that I live with. I don’t seek tolerance from anyone but I do hope to gain acceptance by helping people understand who I am, in turn my community shall benefit from my efforts. I love no one any less if they decide that being gay is not for them, I of all people understand but to quote Albert Einstein “If you can’t explain it simply then you don’t understand it completely…”

        Lastly, in direct conflict of my last sentence – no one owes anyone an explanation but if at some point we don’t confidently speak the truths that we live daily we won’t ever see Martin Luther King Jrs  “Dream” fruition into reality:

“I have a dream that my four children will one day

live in a nation where they will not be judged by the

color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

HAPPY New Year!!!!!!!

2010 has arrived, It’s a new decade beginning with a leap year and our first black president (must we be politically correct with “African American”, lord knows at the end of the day none of us can truly be defined by just our melanin alone…). The first day ended in a “blue moon” and for those of you who are not familiar with the term, don’t feel bad I always thought it was slang too! This term simply means that there was an extra full moon in the year, it was a real gorgeous sight even though I thought aliens were going to jump right out of it since its approach was so sudden and huge -– literally!

With all of these changes occurring at one time, it makes sense that folks would want to follow tradition and make “New Year resolutions”. Personally I ended this little game which breeds procrastination some years ago because I realized that I made a lot of false promises to myself and I never seemed to follow through on anything. Having a strong belief in numerology certainly doesn’t help but I’ve learned to counter this. Now, as soon as I realize that I’d like to make a change with something in my life I start taking action to make it happen.

Prime example:

 Last year I was becoming increasingly unhappy with my job. For the record I’d like to say that it was not the company that I disliked but many of the people that I worked “under” and quite a few that I worked with for various reasons, all of them stemming from a lack of respect either just by me or mutually.

Being the emotional person that I am it was very hard for me to hide my feelings, and relationships were getting harder for me to maintain. I don’t lie well and I felt that was a character trait that they were trying to force upon me, on top of them encouraging me to be innovative only for them to waste my time organizing my ideas for them just to get the run around and no follow through from them on their part.

I’m very loyal and had been with the company since I moved to GA, I even helped them establish themselves in their new location. For 3yrs I went through various dramatic and traumatic situations that involved many employees from the bottom to the top of the corporate rankings. I knew that it was just a matter of time before my number would arrive and decided that my next job would have to be a work-from-home gig.

The decision was made and now it was time to act on it. I already have a space in my home which is a second bedroom that I have called my office from the time that I moved in. With my income taxes I purchased my first PC and gradually I brought my computer desk, chair, and printer.

Throughout the year I looked on & off for new employment. During this time my company was making decisions to change how they reached their customers, this included involving social media, mainly twitter. Their employees had full “dibs” on this opportunity. Honestly, a friend already had me addicted and probably saved my sanity through it. Immediately upon the announcement of this opportunity I jumped on it since I was already sneaking on through my mobile app (cell phone) throughout the day. I had the time of my life and was enjoying my job even more. I remember sitting at my desk and saying that I wished that I could get paid to do it all day because I would! This is when I caught the most crap from my superiors… I even had one tell me that all I knew how to do was “twitter”, though my numbers proved differently! Back to the drawing board…

My personal health was also getting pretty bad, between the emotional stress and the sometimes 2-3hr train ride back and forth to work I was barely able to hold it together. My doctor approved intermittent FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) was denied. Despite this, even when I was sick I came in and covered my department. Around this time one girl quit and my other 2 coworkers transferred to the same department so it just left me. I had sick time but when I tried to use it my superiors denied it and FIRED me! I don’t regret it, as a stroke survivor myself my health will always come first…

I could’ve fought their decision and won but I was literally and genuinely SICK of working with people who showed no respect for my work ethic though it affected theirs positively. Unbeknownst to me, my family which our relationship has been extremely strained for the past 2.5yrs actually worked together to keep me off of the streets. My rent was paid, fridge & cabinets were stocked better than when I was working! My bills only suffered slightly as I looked for a new job.

When I first moved to GA I got caught up in a money laundering scheme through a job offer on MONSTER so I was skeptical about using this sites services. Some years ago, one of my good friends told me about her job with the psychic network which she found through Craigslist. Well, I certainly wanted to have a fun job like that so Craigslist would be my main hunting ground! My family wasn’t harping over me finding a job but as a 28yr old woman who lives a full life in another state I knew that it was my responsibility and NOT theirs… especially since they were paying double when they had their own lives to live!

Even though it became frustrating, I went hard and applied for EVERYTHING I was interested in, even if I didn’t meet the “qualifications” for it nor had the “experience” to do it. This also includes the job that I have now, which I found 3 weeks after being fired (which was actually a complete liberation in my opinion). I found it in the Marketing/Public Relations section, there was a short on line test to figure out if I had the adequate knowledge needed to perform the job which I knew I would pass. This job is in Social Media and as an avid user of Twitter and Facebook, I knew I was good for it! I did pass and I was asked to provide my information so they could get back to me, which of course I did. Within the next day or so I was able to set up an interview through email for the following week. The interview process was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and those that interviewed me could have won Oscars for the poker faces that they gave me! A few days later I was called and told that I had the job, I felt like I won the lottery!

It is not to go without say that we haven’t met any obstacles in our professional relationship as they are expected since there is nothing perfect in life. I do work at home, I have more control of my time, and learning who you work with though your contact with them is minimal is a process like any other.

On a personal note, the emotional stress that I endured last year I am certainly uninterested in repeating ever again. I don’t expect much if anything from my friends, quite a few if not many of whom have endured some trying times with me regardless of the miles between us. If I call you my friend there is a mutual responsibility for us to nurture, accept, and support who we are completely within our species. If at any point one of us breaks this non verbal contract on a habitual basis we are up for question and possible elimination from the others life. Explanation is not required because most lessons in life lack verbal direction anyway….

STOP RESOLVING TO CREATE CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE!! DECIDE IT, PLAN IT, DO IT!!!!!

Homosexuality: An Internal Struggle

For many years I have always suspected Donnie McClurkin and Tonex who both have strong presences in the gospel entertainment industry as being a part of the LGBT community as well. I never actively seeked confirmation for this hunch of mine because it lacked importance to me, if they were it was there business until they made it mine. I remember the first time that I heard Tonex sing, I was at the Crystal Cathedrals’ gift shop in Anaheim, CA after a rehabilitation session at the Kaiser Permanente out-patient center for the stroke I had just had. Immediately after viewing a demo compilation DVD of him and a few other gospel artist I brought his first CD aptly self titled which I absolutely loved, so much so that I purchased his second album immediately thereafter which the title escapes me……. I played his second album just once, that was all it took for me to feel his self hatred trying to engulf my spirit. I believe it was the second track where he sings “What is this I’m seeing, two girls kissing…” quite frankly, even in 2009 being homosexual is still largely taboo though this was at least 5yrs prior (which means that it was absolutely no better). Take into account when the lyrics were written which I made sure were by him because I refused to believe that he wrote the lyrics he was singing since I had a sneaking suspicion that he himself were gay, unfortunately I was proved wrong and my heart was broken and I would discontinue supporting his musical movement. I felt that he was doing what most gay people do when they are fighting their true selves, they put down the very community that will embrace them the most – and he was doing it rather publicly. Maybe this was guise that the music industry had put into action to throw off the media and the public from his non- traditional gospel music artist image and he was just following along, either way his actions were hurtful. This I could not accept in my life especially since in that time period (and probably still now today) you will not witness intimacy between two homosexual people unless you are in an environment that accepts them for who they are and our images are not very common on day time or even evening television, movies primarily aimed at us can not be found very easily in your local theatres and when they come out on DVD local retail chains aren’t advertising it as part of their product line. So for him to be able to witness “two girls kissing” one had to wonder where he was at and what he was doing to come across this sight…….

            I have since reconciled my musical relationship with Tonex due to my own personal growth and I brought his new CD released on a different label (which also speaks volumes to me) titled “unspoken”. I am very pleased with the content especially track 5 titled “Blend” which speaks of growth on his part: “Do you really wanna be like them? / Do you really wanna act like them? / Do you really wanna sound like them? / Why do you try so hard to blend…” (A.Williams). While I love the whole CD, those lyrics really speak to me!

            Recently Donnie McClurkin, in his own bout of self denial outed Tonex (who now goes by TON3X possibly due to his previous record label owning rights to his name or perhaps his way of wiping the slate clean, either way please keep in mind that this is my personal speculation.) to those of us who pay no mind to the media frenzies that often smear celebrities name and character through black lists for years to come… During  a sermon Donnie broke down and admitted that he had been saved from a life of homosexuality, going on to reveal that he had lost his virginity to an Uncle (who obviously committed incest and scribed scars into this man’s psyche that still have yet to heal) and how other people who are homosexual are confused and can be saved from it . While I appreciate the insight that he gave us into his personal life, it was heartbreaking to listen to him place blame on his past for who he is. Everyone knows what makes them comfortable in their own life and they make decisions based off of that, and quite frankly at least half of the gay community can testify to some type of sexual abuse occurring in their life at some point. What say you about the other half who can’t? For me it was almost like experiencing déjà vu when watching the youtube version of his testimony and my heart ached for every gay person that sat in that audience listening to him spill his shattered soul like shards of glass against their spirit, they didn’t deserve that. When you lack spiritual strength you can be left affected by actions like that. I’m honestly disappointed in Donnie, especially since he disrespected TON3X. Since he’s gay (and he may deny this all he likes which is his prerogative, but like him I am entitled to my opinion.) he knows all too well the emotional struggle that the homosexual community goes through to find internal and external acceptance and peace, why he would compromise anyone’s journey including his own is beyond me. Our journeys are sacred and powerful to our history and we shouldn’t be ashamed or made to feel ashamed of it. Yes, there are things in our community that I’m often confused by and just plain don’t understand but in remembering my own journey I know that our paths are not going to be parallel all the time. My greatest concern lies in the moment that he reaches self acceptance and finds a way to embrace the truth about himself. He will then have to face the time he’s invested in others “ministering” to them about their “confusion”, perhaps that will be his most powerful testimony of all but at what cost?

In typing all of this I must impress upon you that in no way am I angry with the decision that Donnie McClurkin made. I am honestly concerned for the emotional well being of the [southern] black gay community as we are damaged enough by the many “religious” sects that have denied us, and this public outcry has only given further concrete pseudo confirmation of an ancient belief drenched in archaic religious rhetoric that we as a people are an abomination. This also offers tools to continue to ostracize us from our core communities which only create more obstacles for us in our journeys. This is heartbreaking because it all derives from a member of our own community whether he accepts it or not, he is a part of us because at the end of the day we are all of one accord. Gay/straight/bisexual/transgender/intersex/hermaphrodite and many of us all believe in the same God, some only rejecting this God because of human interpretation that lacked comprehension…

Three Times is A Charm

 

I remember being in Bible study at a very young age and upsetting one of the older girls during play time because I was staring at her, I don’t remember particularly finding her attractive but there were things that were attractive about her… Specifically, her legs! She actually wanted to fight me but I was so confused by the whole situation that my older sister ended up intervening in the situation and bailing me out saying that I did that all of the time (though I have no recollection of this). When I was on the playground in Elementary all of the other girls were talking about the boys that they thought were cute and when they asked me I had to think hard about my response because I was initially going through my mind figuring out which one of THEM that I thought was the most attractive! I did have one male playmate that I would sneak off with during reading time to go play in our recreation area in the classroom, it was a kitchen set up but there was no gender role playing. We were just two friends who found something better to do with our time other than pay attention to our teacher. On one occasion I decided to kiss him on the cheek and then another male classmate within the same day to see if it would excite me any, it didn’t work and he and I never played together again.

       By time I was 9yrs old my sister teased me because my favorite artist were Michael Jackson, George Michael, and Milli Vanilli… She always claimed that they were gay and eventually she began calling me “Gay Lord”. In my young mind I felt that I had finally found a name for what I was but with the tone that she said it in I immediately knew that it was something I wasn’t supposed to be proud of but nonetheless I felt very relieved. Guilt started consuming me as the teasing persisted even though my father told her to stop. There was no one that I could talk to or identify with as my pleading eyes begged to see my reflection on the TV that needed pliers just to work. Eventually, there was one show which the title escapes me as it’s been nearly 20yrs since it was in syndication. It was about a women’s prison and my eyes were glued every night it aired waiting for the writers of the show to give two of the female cast members more freedom in their roles to act on their light flirtation with one another. Shortly after that happened it was cancelled and no other network picked it up, though I did notice one of the main characters would go on to have big screen fame and would appear in a few soap operas for extended periods but her name escapes me as well. Due to this strong lack of representation I often was confused about my gender, believing that I had been born in the wrong body because I was attracted to the same sex. One night after watching Howard Sterns’ late night show in my parents’ bedroom where he asked a scantily clad playmate in a red plaid uniform skirt barely touching her thighs, stripper heels, and breast spilling out over her blouse to jump up and down – I undoubtedly knew the truth about myself. I already felt like I walked around with this sign on my forehead that read “Hi, I’m Gay” so I took a pen to my parents bedroom wall and wrote: “Mommy, daddy help me. I like women” I had done it low enough to use one of their pillows to cover it up afterwards. I can’t tell you exactly how long it took for them to find it because I was a nervous wreck that entire night; however I can say that it was longer than a week. Upon the discovery my father exploded solely because someone wrote on the wall, tyrantly demanding to know “Who wrote on the wall?” never addressing the content of the sentence even when I admitted that I wrote it. Later, he would blame my mother for taking me to an Indian place of spiritual enlightenment called a “Dojo” where he felt that I had been influenced. No one ever had a full conversation with me regarding what I wrote on the wall other than talking amongst themselves saying various hurtful things without any regard for my feelings.

       Middle school became trying when I became extremely fond of a mysterious Latina who had a rich dark exotic nature. We had one class together, physical education. She never wore our uniform which was blue sweats and a white t-shirt, always something form fitting which was usually jeans and a tube top. Some of the best hours spent were walking with her around our baseball field. Around this time kids started spreading rumors about each other having AIDS, upon defending people inflicted with the disease I got accused of having it myself. AIDS being pegged the “gay cancer” made me panic, I felt that my secret was out and I began gay bashing one of my more masculine identified female teachers in order to fit in. I tried to like boys but my household wasn’t conducive to this feeling, so I taught myself to find things in guys that I found attractive in females…. Long hair, gorgeous eyes, nice legs, straight teeth, dark brown skin, big round gluteus maximus, athletic build, etc. eventually I was able to build up an attraction to guys but I wouldn’t consider it to be like “second nature”. This is not to take away from any of my relationships with the guys that I’ve dated, though most new my true feelings because my mantra was always “You won’t ever have to worry about me cheating on you with another guy, its females you need to worry about!”

       In high school 90% of the guys I liked were gay or “feminine” in their mannerisms, eventually I found myself attracted to a transgender friend (male to female). She was gorgeous and reminded me of my friend in middle school, also Latina (but that young lady was not transgender to my knowledge). With this revelation I decided to begin accepting my true feelings for females, by the age of 16 my high school had began a transition program for kids that lived in a group home for those who were otherwise homeless solely because their parents couldn’t accept their “alternative” lifestyles. The birth of “Project 10” an hour weekly session for kids who identified as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or questioning (LGBTQ) was lead by an openly gay male teacher in order for us to discuss our trials and tribulations. The “Q” was eventually dropped from the program because we often had up to 50 students who were more than likely our friends trying to get a “free pass” out of class, this made our core group no more than 15 students. During this time my close circle of friends began to change and those around me questioned my choices: “You know ___ is gay and everyone else is gonna think you are too?” in which my response would vary between: “And?”  “So?”  “Good, because I am!” “Why should I care?” This was a luxury considering what some of my other friends went through, One of my transgender friends (not the same one, but also male to female Latina)had to leave all of her classes 15minutes early as a precautionary method to ensure that she made it to her next class safely, another Latino friend who was a “raver” was often showered with homophobic slurs while walking the campus, though I would yell back “Fuck you!” or “Shut the fuck up!” in his honor he would tell me to just ignore them. I feel that no one should ever get used to being discriminated against, it is not a way of life! Most importantly he was my friend and friends stick together! The one rare time my father actually came to my school none of my new found friends were visible anywhere, it was like by some force of nature they were all stuffed in the janitors closet or something. I guess from every session of “Project 10” they knew that school was our safe place to be ourselves instead of at home…Also in this very same year a long lost cousin would arrive for a visit to reconnect with our family, she would confide in me that she was sick of the way guys treated her and was thinking about being with women in which I informed her that nothing would change in her relationships regardless of which gender she chose if she didn’t start choosing better people for her life and demand to be treated better by them and that I knew this through experience. She had a strained relationship with her older sister who got along better with my older sister who I didn’t get along with, which didn’t bother me because I was used to it. However for my cousin, who just got reinvolved in our family this was hard for her to accept and she would prove that she was willing to do anything to be in their good graces. One day, my sister came in my room (which she NEVER did!)to ask to borrow some nail polish… With her head stuck in the door which she slightly opened herself, her eyes panned my room and then she stepped in! I thought nothing of it, at the time my room was decorated with condoms all over the wall (though I wouldn’t lose my virginity until I turned 18 – true story, maybe later!)and various celebrity pictures, one in particular caught her eye: A picture of Marilyn Manson from his “Beautiful People” video (this is when he looked very Trans/androgynous, very controversial at the time – year ’97 I believe.)that my friend gave me before he transferred schools; I still LOVE that picture to this day! My sister then took me to her room to discuss it, I honestly don’t remember that conversation in any type of detail, and I just remember that it was emotional because we did discuss molestation and incest in that conversation. However, I did make it clear that I knew where she got her leading information from, she told me not to be mad at my cousin and I told her I wasn’t… Not for leading my second outing anyway, I was more so disgusted with that fact that our relationship seemed disposable for an opportunity to gain attention from 2 people who ordinarily could care less about her existence at the time. This isn’t a quality I admire in my friends let alone my own family! I haven’t spoken to her since.

       Throughout high school I primarily dated guys and had a few girlfriends. I even had a high school sweetheart who was probably one of the first people in my life to know that I had a proclivity for females which we discussed in great detail on many occasions. We even worked our “marriage” out so that I could continue to have relationships with females, unfortunately ours didn’t last a year but would pick back up throughout the relationship that he would have with the woman(an ex friend of mine) he would go on to marry and would continue throughout his marriage to her (for the record I always knew that I was one of many, just as he was… but our affair was one of the heart not of the body).Our relationship would end with him telling me that he would not leave his wife until his recently born daughter turned 13yrs old despite the fact that he himself was unhappy! I thought about what my life could be in 13yrs if I gave it the opportunity, surprisingly I didn’t “mourn” the “loss” of this relationship and moved forward. I would meet the woman who I would have my first adult lesbian relationship with shortly thereafter which would last 2yrs on & off. My high school sweetheart would try to make a comeback a couple of months later; he had a near death experience at a shooting range where the guy next to him committed suicide. Unfortunately it was too late; previously I was willing to make sacrifices that he couldn’t match. So like him, I began to live my life and that would be the last time that I would have to “Come out” to my family.