Go Go Virgo Power!

This astrological season marks a new beginning for me, for those of you familiar with astrology then you may be familiar with the term “Saturn’s Return”. This usually happens in ones’ life every 28 years when all of the planets are aligned in the exact same position as when you are born (or something to that effect). Last year one of my elders informed me of this phase in my life at the BLU retreat in Malibu, CA. I had all but put it in the back of my mind up until I had read my horoscope and there was mention of this time frame ending. Excitedly I googled it, I haven’t done any major research but just enough to give me a gist of what this phenomenon is…..

          With the death of Michael Jackson still very relevant in my mind, I made a lot of changes or just maintained some abrupt ones, which I am very blessed to have experienced. Though some of the experiences have created hardships, it is nothing that I can’t handle in comparison to the distress that I felt before they existed. I often think about how Michael Jackson gave up his entire life, every aspect of it to do what he loved – LITERALLY! I wonder if he’d do it all over again…. If so, why, I think the reasons are obvious if he chose not to.

          Recently, one of my followers on Twitter committed suicide (the second one that I’ve experienced thus far in my life and I’m keeping my fingers crossed and praying that I don’t experience anymore!). Her name is Juliann “Juju” Pearson (Screen name –> @complexfemme), we never made it past introductions but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s human just like me and we were connected in some way, shape, or form in this universe. Matter-of-factly later I would learn that her birthday was the day after mine. I read my astrology book on birthdays and their symbolic meanings, looking up her birthday it said that individuals born on this day tend to be fatalistic especially when they’re in dark stages of their lives so I hope that she’s finally resting. I remember when the news of Juju passing hit me like a brick, someone had ReTweeted (RT) this  message “ RIP @complexfemme” from one of her followers. Somehow I inherently knew I don’t know how, I just did. That past weekend I had been in my own dark place, avoiding all social sites because I didn’t want to be accused of running to “imaginary people” instead of my “real” friends (who happen to be on those sites as well, mind you.). I remember feeling deeply sad and lost, unable to focus due to my personal life both romantically and professionally. I couldn’t imagine anyone else residing in a similar dark place and certainly not making it out alive. I was in a hurting place so I don’t need to imagine how Juju was feeling, our difference is that Juju did reach out – on Twitter. No one was there, including me to reach back. This saddens me even more because this was originally my purpose in being on these sites, to have an outlet and to be an outlet…. I didn’t and I wasn’t, as we say on twitter – That’s an #EpicFail. My heart genuinely aches for her – still…. I will always remember her last tweet “It’s been real, see ya next lifetime” before that she posted “I just wish that I had someone to call to make me laugh.” We would’ve been on at the same time that morning because I had insomnia, I might’ve caught that post and maybe her last one wouldn’t exist because she’d still be alive but we’ll never know…. I did extensive research and gathered a lot of intel to learn about the person who I had a slight acquaintance with. Juju was on the verge of graduating college when she was called home to care for her grandmother, I also believe there were some financial issues involved. I’m assuming that coupled with the possibility that she was not ready to make that sacrifice in her life that that may have been the final straw for her. Juju wasn’t even 25, I wish that she had had the opportunity to learn that not all hardships last forever but I know how in tune us Virgos can be with our emotions so much so that it seems that we live in the extremes because when we feel something we really feel it….

          I don’t want to be doomed to repeat my history so as I get older I often look back at my past to ensure that I don’t repeat the same mistakes. I haven’t mastered this methodology yet but as I move forward my future only gets brighter because of it. I stopped thinking “If  life gives you lemons, make lemonade!” and started thinking “When life gives you lemons don’t make some sour ass lemonade, extract the seeds and plant them creating a field of lemon trees. Cultivate and harvest the land, now you’ve got a profitable business of selling lemons which have multiple uses!” I no longer “Fake it til I make it” I work toward succeeding accomplishing my goals, actually marinating in the lessons that I learn along the way so that if I run into those “tests” I will breeze past them.

If I had to say, the most important lesson that I’ve learned thus far is that there is no success in being a professional multi-tasker. There is always something or someone that you are neglecting that is vital to either your professional life or your personal life or even worse BOTH. So, in closing the lesson that I am actively practicing is to always remember that anything that I’m trying to accomplish relies on me taking care of myself first in order for anything else to fruition!

The Theory of Homosexual To Heterosexual Conversion

In light of my recent blog about Donnie McClurkin, I’ve been getting a lot of feedback and the icing on the cake was a [former] friend of mine claiming that she was converting to heterosexuality. First, let me say this before I even go deep into this subject: [WARNING: THIS IS NOT A DISCLAIMER IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM!!!] As I’ve gotten older I have begun to question the existence of homosexuality as gender becomes so fluid. Personally, I’ll answer to any gender terminology as long as it’s respectful. Now, I have female friends who own more masculine identities who sometimes prefer to be acknowledged as such and even when they don’t I tend to do so anyway. Also I have male friends who carry themselves in a more feminine manner and they either prefer to be acknowledged as such or tend to be regardless of their preference. Then there are my transgender friends, some I’ve known since pre-transition and some post transition and I treat them no different because we are all human at the end of the day. Quite frankly, my personal motto is: “Everyone is gay until proven straight!”

        With that being said, I’ll approach this subject as most people do believing that there are alternative “sexual” lifestyles and not acknowledging how gender roles and expressions are up for question… If someone is genuinely homosexual whether it be gay, lesbian, or bisexual they will approach relationships with the gender that they prefer to build romantic relationships with and just like their heterosexual comrades they will court/date them to learn if that person is someone who they can build their life with. Also with that territory comes sexual relations between both consenting adults. Personally, I don’t believe that the act makes anyone “gay” (or even “straight” for that matter) but yet the intent behind it. There are people who experiment with the “lifestyle” this is what the “Q” in LGBTQ originally stood for – “Questioning” but some of us have adapted it to mean “Queer” (I am one of those people). Our “questioning” comrades have been known to be in “the life” build friendships and have relationships within the community and then one day decide for whatever reason that it’s not for them. Some have remained allies but others get so “holier than thou” that they openly discuss their disdain for “us” and our “lifestyle”. First, let me say this – no one “decides” to be ostracized from their communities and families because they love differently, I say love because as hard as it may be to conceptualize for some people it just really isn’t all about the sexual act for us! This is where I will discuss three incidents that are relative to me:

        CASE #1: My first girlfriend (in my adulthood) identifies herself as a straight woman and did so throughout our whole 2yr relationship and continues to do so even though she has tried to re-approach our relationship a number of times. I loved this woman thoroughly and would have spent my life with her but she could not commit to who she is (or was) so therefore even though we discussed it many times it would never come to fruition without her making any moves toward self-commitment. She has also had other relationships with other women but yet and still does not acknowledge her “homosexual” ways openly. Dangerous territory, if you ask me…

        CASE #2: My [former] college friend who had a live in girlfriend when I met her and was screaming rainbows throughout our friendship recently informed me that she was converting to heterosexuality. Now, quite frankly I take no issue with whom people prefer to build their lives with as that has nothing to do with me. It was her “religious” stand point on the issue that bothered me as I had known her for years and she never even mentioned having a relationship with [any] God, on top of the fact that I often spent the night at her house over the weekends so that I could get to my own church easier as it was just around the corner from her place of residence and she never took me up on the offer to join me… While that is neither here nor there at this point it does cause me to question many aspects of our friendship if that was indeed what we genuinely had. I tried to converse with her in order to understand her point of view on the situation but she honestly didn’t make any sense. She had gone through some trials and tribulations with a former partner of mine and fell in love with someone who did not share the feeling mutually with her. Eventually she claimed that her lesbianism was the direct cause of her anger. I openly laughed at the blasphemous statement as another “converted” friend of hers jumped into our conversation and spoke ill of me for not being “straight” which was also laced with religious rhetoric. All in all I grew tired of trying to understand someone who I felt only meant to harm me because I questioned her decision to go in a direction that was seemingly unnatural to her existence, que sera…

        CASE #3: I was just recently informed that a distant acquaintance of mine “converted to heterosexuality” after being a lesbian for most of her young adult life. The decision has something to do with her somewhat religious upbringing and since I really don’t know her well all I can do is wish her luck in her endeavors.

        I can tell you this about homosexuality that I know every gay person that I know, including the ones that I don’t would agree upon: No one would ever choose to live a life that would cause them to possibly be disowned by their families, ostracized from their communities with the potential of never knowing what it is to be a family. As it stands it is still against the law for us to get married in many states and though we are recognized in others it is not mandatory for that recognition to be upheld throughout all 50 of these un-United States of America. It’s even saddening for me to try to understand why I need a law to protect my union with another consenting adult regardless of their gender but I do know that this is the world in which I live in….

      While I proudly live my life as an open lesbian being I can totally understand why someone would choose to “convert to heterosexuality”. There is a lot of pressure on the gay community to conform to societal standards based off of gender stereotypes. Hate crimes and suicide are the leading cause of death of many members within our community. Sometimes the suicide is a direct effect of an experienced hate crime (or multiple as we are never subject to just one in our lifetime). This is not a pity party just basic facts that most people often overlook. The ordeal many gay people face when it comes to religion can be rather traumatizing in and of itself, I personally have been blessed to be inexperienced in this area but don’t let my somewhat liberal background fool you as it has taken my family 20yrs just to realize that THIS IS NOT A PHASE!

        Recently I was at an event called “Lez Talk” hosted by a group called “Lesbos Are mad” here in Atlanta, GA. The hostess invited her mother to come speak to us to help her gain a better understanding of her daughter. This woman spoke of having concern for her daughters’ spiritual well being and asked us all (who felt comfortable answering) what we would say if God was standing before us… God is a sore subject for a lot of people in the Gay community because we have been biblicly beaten by religious zealots, some our own flesh and blood. Yes, there was a lot of answering around her question and testimonials of some sort. I do remember her question being answered directly but unfortunately I don’t remember any specifics. The lyrics of india.aries’ song “Video” played in my head, specificly this particular verse:

“When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me

Every freckle on my face is where it’s supposed to be

And I know our creator didn’t make no mistakes on me

My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes;

I’m lovin’ what I see…….”

And this is exactly how I feel about it regardless of anyone elses perception of me. If you’re so concerned about any impending damnation on my soul (or anyone elses for that matter) I suggest that in love that you get down on bended knees and go deep in prayer on my behalf. It would be much more appreciated than hearing the same misinterpreted Bible scriptures verbally beaten into our brains incessantly.

        In conclusion, everyone is entitled to live their life loving in the manner that is natural to them. I have always loved women, I have also loved men (just as passionately and intensely as any Same Gender Loving relationship that I’ve been in) the difference being my intent. I would not be able to commit my life to any man completely because I genuinely love women , bottom line – no special extravagant explanation, just my plain Gods honest truth that I live with. I don’t seek tolerance from anyone but I do hope to gain acceptance by helping people understand who I am, in turn my community shall benefit from my efforts. I love no one any less if they decide that being gay is not for them, I of all people understand but to quote Albert Einstein “If you can’t explain it simply then you don’t understand it completely…”

        Lastly, in direct conflict of my last sentence – no one owes anyone an explanation but if at some point we don’t confidently speak the truths that we live daily we won’t ever see Martin Luther King Jrs  “Dream” fruition into reality:

“I have a dream that my four children will one day

live in a nation where they will not be judged by the

color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

HAPPY New Year!!!!!!!

2010 has arrived, It’s a new decade beginning with a leap year and our first black president (must we be politically correct with “African American”, lord knows at the end of the day none of us can truly be defined by just our melanin alone…). The first day ended in a “blue moon” and for those of you who are not familiar with the term, don’t feel bad I always thought it was slang too! This term simply means that there was an extra full moon in the year, it was a real gorgeous sight even though I thought aliens were going to jump right out of it since its approach was so sudden and huge -– literally!

With all of these changes occurring at one time, it makes sense that folks would want to follow tradition and make “New Year resolutions”. Personally I ended this little game which breeds procrastination some years ago because I realized that I made a lot of false promises to myself and I never seemed to follow through on anything. Having a strong belief in numerology certainly doesn’t help but I’ve learned to counter this. Now, as soon as I realize that I’d like to make a change with something in my life I start taking action to make it happen.

Prime example:

 Last year I was becoming increasingly unhappy with my job. For the record I’d like to say that it was not the company that I disliked but many of the people that I worked “under” and quite a few that I worked with for various reasons, all of them stemming from a lack of respect either just by me or mutually.

Being the emotional person that I am it was very hard for me to hide my feelings, and relationships were getting harder for me to maintain. I don’t lie well and I felt that was a character trait that they were trying to force upon me, on top of them encouraging me to be innovative only for them to waste my time organizing my ideas for them just to get the run around and no follow through from them on their part.

I’m very loyal and had been with the company since I moved to GA, I even helped them establish themselves in their new location. For 3yrs I went through various dramatic and traumatic situations that involved many employees from the bottom to the top of the corporate rankings. I knew that it was just a matter of time before my number would arrive and decided that my next job would have to be a work-from-home gig.

The decision was made and now it was time to act on it. I already have a space in my home which is a second bedroom that I have called my office from the time that I moved in. With my income taxes I purchased my first PC and gradually I brought my computer desk, chair, and printer.

Throughout the year I looked on & off for new employment. During this time my company was making decisions to change how they reached their customers, this included involving social media, mainly twitter. Their employees had full “dibs” on this opportunity. Honestly, a friend already had me addicted and probably saved my sanity through it. Immediately upon the announcement of this opportunity I jumped on it since I was already sneaking on through my mobile app (cell phone) throughout the day. I had the time of my life and was enjoying my job even more. I remember sitting at my desk and saying that I wished that I could get paid to do it all day because I would! This is when I caught the most crap from my superiors… I even had one tell me that all I knew how to do was “twitter”, though my numbers proved differently! Back to the drawing board…

My personal health was also getting pretty bad, between the emotional stress and the sometimes 2-3hr train ride back and forth to work I was barely able to hold it together. My doctor approved intermittent FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) was denied. Despite this, even when I was sick I came in and covered my department. Around this time one girl quit and my other 2 coworkers transferred to the same department so it just left me. I had sick time but when I tried to use it my superiors denied it and FIRED me! I don’t regret it, as a stroke survivor myself my health will always come first…

I could’ve fought their decision and won but I was literally and genuinely SICK of working with people who showed no respect for my work ethic though it affected theirs positively. Unbeknownst to me, my family which our relationship has been extremely strained for the past 2.5yrs actually worked together to keep me off of the streets. My rent was paid, fridge & cabinets were stocked better than when I was working! My bills only suffered slightly as I looked for a new job.

When I first moved to GA I got caught up in a money laundering scheme through a job offer on MONSTER so I was skeptical about using this sites services. Some years ago, one of my good friends told me about her job with the psychic network which she found through Craigslist. Well, I certainly wanted to have a fun job like that so Craigslist would be my main hunting ground! My family wasn’t harping over me finding a job but as a 28yr old woman who lives a full life in another state I knew that it was my responsibility and NOT theirs… especially since they were paying double when they had their own lives to live!

Even though it became frustrating, I went hard and applied for EVERYTHING I was interested in, even if I didn’t meet the “qualifications” for it nor had the “experience” to do it. This also includes the job that I have now, which I found 3 weeks after being fired (which was actually a complete liberation in my opinion). I found it in the Marketing/Public Relations section, there was a short on line test to figure out if I had the adequate knowledge needed to perform the job which I knew I would pass. This job is in Social Media and as an avid user of Twitter and Facebook, I knew I was good for it! I did pass and I was asked to provide my information so they could get back to me, which of course I did. Within the next day or so I was able to set up an interview through email for the following week. The interview process was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and those that interviewed me could have won Oscars for the poker faces that they gave me! A few days later I was called and told that I had the job, I felt like I won the lottery!

It is not to go without say that we haven’t met any obstacles in our professional relationship as they are expected since there is nothing perfect in life. I do work at home, I have more control of my time, and learning who you work with though your contact with them is minimal is a process like any other.

On a personal note, the emotional stress that I endured last year I am certainly uninterested in repeating ever again. I don’t expect much if anything from my friends, quite a few if not many of whom have endured some trying times with me regardless of the miles between us. If I call you my friend there is a mutual responsibility for us to nurture, accept, and support who we are completely within our species. If at any point one of us breaks this non verbal contract on a habitual basis we are up for question and possible elimination from the others life. Explanation is not required because most lessons in life lack verbal direction anyway….

STOP RESOLVING TO CREATE CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE!! DECIDE IT, PLAN IT, DO IT!!!!!

Homosexuality: An Internal Struggle

For many years I have always suspected Donnie McClurkin and Tonex who both have strong presences in the gospel entertainment industry as being a part of the LGBT community as well. I never actively seeked confirmation for this hunch of mine because it lacked importance to me, if they were it was there business until they made it mine. I remember the first time that I heard Tonex sing, I was at the Crystal Cathedrals’ gift shop in Anaheim, CA after a rehabilitation session at the Kaiser Permanente out-patient center for the stroke I had just had. Immediately after viewing a demo compilation DVD of him and a few other gospel artist I brought his first CD aptly self titled which I absolutely loved, so much so that I purchased his second album immediately thereafter which the title escapes me……. I played his second album just once, that was all it took for me to feel his self hatred trying to engulf my spirit. I believe it was the second track where he sings “What is this I’m seeing, two girls kissing…” quite frankly, even in 2009 being homosexual is still largely taboo though this was at least 5yrs prior (which means that it was absolutely no better). Take into account when the lyrics were written which I made sure were by him because I refused to believe that he wrote the lyrics he was singing since I had a sneaking suspicion that he himself were gay, unfortunately I was proved wrong and my heart was broken and I would discontinue supporting his musical movement. I felt that he was doing what most gay people do when they are fighting their true selves, they put down the very community that will embrace them the most – and he was doing it rather publicly. Maybe this was guise that the music industry had put into action to throw off the media and the public from his non- traditional gospel music artist image and he was just following along, either way his actions were hurtful. This I could not accept in my life especially since in that time period (and probably still now today) you will not witness intimacy between two homosexual people unless you are in an environment that accepts them for who they are and our images are not very common on day time or even evening television, movies primarily aimed at us can not be found very easily in your local theatres and when they come out on DVD local retail chains aren’t advertising it as part of their product line. So for him to be able to witness “two girls kissing” one had to wonder where he was at and what he was doing to come across this sight…….

            I have since reconciled my musical relationship with Tonex due to my own personal growth and I brought his new CD released on a different label (which also speaks volumes to me) titled “unspoken”. I am very pleased with the content especially track 5 titled “Blend” which speaks of growth on his part: “Do you really wanna be like them? / Do you really wanna act like them? / Do you really wanna sound like them? / Why do you try so hard to blend…” (A.Williams). While I love the whole CD, those lyrics really speak to me!

            Recently Donnie McClurkin, in his own bout of self denial outed Tonex (who now goes by TON3X possibly due to his previous record label owning rights to his name or perhaps his way of wiping the slate clean, either way please keep in mind that this is my personal speculation.) to those of us who pay no mind to the media frenzies that often smear celebrities name and character through black lists for years to come… During  a sermon Donnie broke down and admitted that he had been saved from a life of homosexuality, going on to reveal that he had lost his virginity to an Uncle (who obviously committed incest and scribed scars into this man’s psyche that still have yet to heal) and how other people who are homosexual are confused and can be saved from it . While I appreciate the insight that he gave us into his personal life, it was heartbreaking to listen to him place blame on his past for who he is. Everyone knows what makes them comfortable in their own life and they make decisions based off of that, and quite frankly at least half of the gay community can testify to some type of sexual abuse occurring in their life at some point. What say you about the other half who can’t? For me it was almost like experiencing déjà vu when watching the youtube version of his testimony and my heart ached for every gay person that sat in that audience listening to him spill his shattered soul like shards of glass against their spirit, they didn’t deserve that. When you lack spiritual strength you can be left affected by actions like that. I’m honestly disappointed in Donnie, especially since he disrespected TON3X. Since he’s gay (and he may deny this all he likes which is his prerogative, but like him I am entitled to my opinion.) he knows all too well the emotional struggle that the homosexual community goes through to find internal and external acceptance and peace, why he would compromise anyone’s journey including his own is beyond me. Our journeys are sacred and powerful to our history and we shouldn’t be ashamed or made to feel ashamed of it. Yes, there are things in our community that I’m often confused by and just plain don’t understand but in remembering my own journey I know that our paths are not going to be parallel all the time. My greatest concern lies in the moment that he reaches self acceptance and finds a way to embrace the truth about himself. He will then have to face the time he’s invested in others “ministering” to them about their “confusion”, perhaps that will be his most powerful testimony of all but at what cost?

In typing all of this I must impress upon you that in no way am I angry with the decision that Donnie McClurkin made. I am honestly concerned for the emotional well being of the [southern] black gay community as we are damaged enough by the many “religious” sects that have denied us, and this public outcry has only given further concrete pseudo confirmation of an ancient belief drenched in archaic religious rhetoric that we as a people are an abomination. This also offers tools to continue to ostracize us from our core communities which only create more obstacles for us in our journeys. This is heartbreaking because it all derives from a member of our own community whether he accepts it or not, he is a part of us because at the end of the day we are all of one accord. Gay/straight/bisexual/transgender/intersex/hermaphrodite and many of us all believe in the same God, some only rejecting this God because of human interpretation that lacked comprehension…

Three Times is A Charm

 

I remember being in Bible study at a very young age and upsetting one of the older girls during play time because I was staring at her, I don’t remember particularly finding her attractive but there were things that were attractive about her… Specifically, her legs! She actually wanted to fight me but I was so confused by the whole situation that my older sister ended up intervening in the situation and bailing me out saying that I did that all of the time (though I have no recollection of this). When I was on the playground in Elementary all of the other girls were talking about the boys that they thought were cute and when they asked me I had to think hard about my response because I was initially going through my mind figuring out which one of THEM that I thought was the most attractive! I did have one male playmate that I would sneak off with during reading time to go play in our recreation area in the classroom, it was a kitchen set up but there was no gender role playing. We were just two friends who found something better to do with our time other than pay attention to our teacher. On one occasion I decided to kiss him on the cheek and then another male classmate within the same day to see if it would excite me any, it didn’t work and he and I never played together again.

       By time I was 9yrs old my sister teased me because my favorite artist were Michael Jackson, George Michael, and Milli Vanilli… She always claimed that they were gay and eventually she began calling me “Gay Lord”. In my young mind I felt that I had finally found a name for what I was but with the tone that she said it in I immediately knew that it was something I wasn’t supposed to be proud of but nonetheless I felt very relieved. Guilt started consuming me as the teasing persisted even though my father told her to stop. There was no one that I could talk to or identify with as my pleading eyes begged to see my reflection on the TV that needed pliers just to work. Eventually, there was one show which the title escapes me as it’s been nearly 20yrs since it was in syndication. It was about a women’s prison and my eyes were glued every night it aired waiting for the writers of the show to give two of the female cast members more freedom in their roles to act on their light flirtation with one another. Shortly after that happened it was cancelled and no other network picked it up, though I did notice one of the main characters would go on to have big screen fame and would appear in a few soap operas for extended periods but her name escapes me as well. Due to this strong lack of representation I often was confused about my gender, believing that I had been born in the wrong body because I was attracted to the same sex. One night after watching Howard Sterns’ late night show in my parents’ bedroom where he asked a scantily clad playmate in a red plaid uniform skirt barely touching her thighs, stripper heels, and breast spilling out over her blouse to jump up and down – I undoubtedly knew the truth about myself. I already felt like I walked around with this sign on my forehead that read “Hi, I’m Gay” so I took a pen to my parents bedroom wall and wrote: “Mommy, daddy help me. I like women” I had done it low enough to use one of their pillows to cover it up afterwards. I can’t tell you exactly how long it took for them to find it because I was a nervous wreck that entire night; however I can say that it was longer than a week. Upon the discovery my father exploded solely because someone wrote on the wall, tyrantly demanding to know “Who wrote on the wall?” never addressing the content of the sentence even when I admitted that I wrote it. Later, he would blame my mother for taking me to an Indian place of spiritual enlightenment called a “Dojo” where he felt that I had been influenced. No one ever had a full conversation with me regarding what I wrote on the wall other than talking amongst themselves saying various hurtful things without any regard for my feelings.

       Middle school became trying when I became extremely fond of a mysterious Latina who had a rich dark exotic nature. We had one class together, physical education. She never wore our uniform which was blue sweats and a white t-shirt, always something form fitting which was usually jeans and a tube top. Some of the best hours spent were walking with her around our baseball field. Around this time kids started spreading rumors about each other having AIDS, upon defending people inflicted with the disease I got accused of having it myself. AIDS being pegged the “gay cancer” made me panic, I felt that my secret was out and I began gay bashing one of my more masculine identified female teachers in order to fit in. I tried to like boys but my household wasn’t conducive to this feeling, so I taught myself to find things in guys that I found attractive in females…. Long hair, gorgeous eyes, nice legs, straight teeth, dark brown skin, big round gluteus maximus, athletic build, etc. eventually I was able to build up an attraction to guys but I wouldn’t consider it to be like “second nature”. This is not to take away from any of my relationships with the guys that I’ve dated, though most new my true feelings because my mantra was always “You won’t ever have to worry about me cheating on you with another guy, its females you need to worry about!”

       In high school 90% of the guys I liked were gay or “feminine” in their mannerisms, eventually I found myself attracted to a transgender friend (male to female). She was gorgeous and reminded me of my friend in middle school, also Latina (but that young lady was not transgender to my knowledge). With this revelation I decided to begin accepting my true feelings for females, by the age of 16 my high school had began a transition program for kids that lived in a group home for those who were otherwise homeless solely because their parents couldn’t accept their “alternative” lifestyles. The birth of “Project 10” an hour weekly session for kids who identified as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or questioning (LGBTQ) was lead by an openly gay male teacher in order for us to discuss our trials and tribulations. The “Q” was eventually dropped from the program because we often had up to 50 students who were more than likely our friends trying to get a “free pass” out of class, this made our core group no more than 15 students. During this time my close circle of friends began to change and those around me questioned my choices: “You know ___ is gay and everyone else is gonna think you are too?” in which my response would vary between: “And?”  “So?”  “Good, because I am!” “Why should I care?” This was a luxury considering what some of my other friends went through, One of my transgender friends (not the same one, but also male to female Latina)had to leave all of her classes 15minutes early as a precautionary method to ensure that she made it to her next class safely, another Latino friend who was a “raver” was often showered with homophobic slurs while walking the campus, though I would yell back “Fuck you!” or “Shut the fuck up!” in his honor he would tell me to just ignore them. I feel that no one should ever get used to being discriminated against, it is not a way of life! Most importantly he was my friend and friends stick together! The one rare time my father actually came to my school none of my new found friends were visible anywhere, it was like by some force of nature they were all stuffed in the janitors closet or something. I guess from every session of “Project 10” they knew that school was our safe place to be ourselves instead of at home…Also in this very same year a long lost cousin would arrive for a visit to reconnect with our family, she would confide in me that she was sick of the way guys treated her and was thinking about being with women in which I informed her that nothing would change in her relationships regardless of which gender she chose if she didn’t start choosing better people for her life and demand to be treated better by them and that I knew this through experience. She had a strained relationship with her older sister who got along better with my older sister who I didn’t get along with, which didn’t bother me because I was used to it. However for my cousin, who just got reinvolved in our family this was hard for her to accept and she would prove that she was willing to do anything to be in their good graces. One day, my sister came in my room (which she NEVER did!)to ask to borrow some nail polish… With her head stuck in the door which she slightly opened herself, her eyes panned my room and then she stepped in! I thought nothing of it, at the time my room was decorated with condoms all over the wall (though I wouldn’t lose my virginity until I turned 18 – true story, maybe later!)and various celebrity pictures, one in particular caught her eye: A picture of Marilyn Manson from his “Beautiful People” video (this is when he looked very Trans/androgynous, very controversial at the time – year ’97 I believe.)that my friend gave me before he transferred schools; I still LOVE that picture to this day! My sister then took me to her room to discuss it, I honestly don’t remember that conversation in any type of detail, and I just remember that it was emotional because we did discuss molestation and incest in that conversation. However, I did make it clear that I knew where she got her leading information from, she told me not to be mad at my cousin and I told her I wasn’t… Not for leading my second outing anyway, I was more so disgusted with that fact that our relationship seemed disposable for an opportunity to gain attention from 2 people who ordinarily could care less about her existence at the time. This isn’t a quality I admire in my friends let alone my own family! I haven’t spoken to her since.

       Throughout high school I primarily dated guys and had a few girlfriends. I even had a high school sweetheart who was probably one of the first people in my life to know that I had a proclivity for females which we discussed in great detail on many occasions. We even worked our “marriage” out so that I could continue to have relationships with females, unfortunately ours didn’t last a year but would pick back up throughout the relationship that he would have with the woman(an ex friend of mine) he would go on to marry and would continue throughout his marriage to her (for the record I always knew that I was one of many, just as he was… but our affair was one of the heart not of the body).Our relationship would end with him telling me that he would not leave his wife until his recently born daughter turned 13yrs old despite the fact that he himself was unhappy! I thought about what my life could be in 13yrs if I gave it the opportunity, surprisingly I didn’t “mourn” the “loss” of this relationship and moved forward. I would meet the woman who I would have my first adult lesbian relationship with shortly thereafter which would last 2yrs on & off. My high school sweetheart would try to make a comeback a couple of months later; he had a near death experience at a shooting range where the guy next to him committed suicide. Unfortunately it was too late; previously I was willing to make sacrifices that he couldn’t match. So like him, I began to live my life and that would be the last time that I would have to “Come out” to my family.   

 

          

       

 

NOT TOO THRILLED!!!!!!!

 

As of August 24, 2009 Michael Jackson’s death was ruled a homicide (1 day shy of the 2month anniversary of his death). He was under the influence of multiple sedatives administered by a doctor he hired to care for him. The extreme liberal in me wonders why as a resident of California he was not prescribed medicinal marijuana. I feel that it is a much healthier alternative to many of the drugs prescribed by any doctor in which most have near fatal side effects such as blood clots, stroke, heart attack, and a host of others issues that if you’re not strong enough to bounce back from make you wish that you were dead anyway!

      In light of his death I also feel that us fans are being financially exploited, magazines that once couldn’t even get an authorized cover from Michael Jackson are doing full memorial spreads and charging TWICE THE PRICE! Venues where Michael Jackson paraphernalia couldn’t even be found have an over flow of his product available at unreasonable prices, not to mention the music stores that didn’t have any real variety of Michaels’ music not only offer a wide array now but have also jacked up the prices to high hell! Everyone is trying to get a piece of the peripheral pie but weren’t even interested in it until he died!

      Yes, I’m complaining! When Michael needed your support, where were you? Huddled up in your pow wows talking amongst yourselves about his “guilt”, talkin crap about how you liked him when he was “black” as if he could change his DNA. I’m not inspired by or appreciative of your change of heart. All of a sudden you care…. Everyone wanted to speculate about how he should live his life yet none of you could ever walk a day in his shoes or empathize with his plight yet you felt that you had a right to judge him. I’m not thrilled!

AT WILL

 

Being from California, a democratic equal employment opportunity state – when I moved to (THE “DURTY” SOUTH) Georgia, I found myself not only living under a different “rule of thumb” but also living in the midst of a completely different culture than what I was used to.

Recently my employers went through a week long process of trying to figure out if they were going to keep me employed due to some attendance issues that stem from my health problems. Also during that time 2 employees switched departments while another one committed “job abandonment”. There were only 4 of us in the department to begin with, so I’m sure that your math skills aren’t too shabby…. Yeah, that just left me to work the department! Amazingly, my position lacks respect company wide as it is mostly considered that “all I do” is answer the phones and browse the internet. I will be blunt: My job title is new to the company, is unestablished, and does not come with a job description so my job duties are left up to management’s discretion. This leaves a lot of room for disrespect as those in my position are delegated multiple task all while expecting to know everything about our company right down to the finest detail but not being financially compensated for the work that we do. I can say that I decided to turn this negative into a positive not just for myself but my fellow employees as well, I was able to teach my company about sharing our department successes through email and I summarized a monthly financial report that led other departments to follow suit. I was able to show the value of the position in the company and helped us gain the respect of our peers. Eventually, due to the lack of support that we receive a massive email was sent as an outcry and of course I responded and interacted with those who wished to stay in contact and some who didn’t. This was a bittersweet interaction as people accused me of being the one who if not ignited the fire, fanned the flames to keep it going. I actually received an apology email from one coworker when I informed her that the tone of her emails came from an overworked individual who needed a vacation in which she replied that it was true and had one planned for the next week! Essentially, I took it upon myself to be a pioneer for others who would be in my role so that they felt that it was worthwhile to sit in the same seat as me. Honestly, I really love my job and as a writer by nature I didn’t think that it was possible but tis’ true!

When this state of “employment limbo” took place, not only was I dealing with my own poor state of health but my fathers’ as well (though he’s back home in Cali, I still worry since he just had 2 ischemic strokes). I have been working with my company at the same location since this particular one has been open. It was my first job in GA but not my only one as the first year of them opening I had a second job with a telemarketing agency for 6mos during the holiday season since I wasn’t getting enough hours to pay my bills. I have been through 2 restructures with our company and the last one was a huge blow to everyone including me. A whole department was removed while management took a huge hit. I tried to be every ones cheerleader but soon the damage would be evident and there’d be nothing to cheer about as coworkers started dropping like flies either accepting severance packages or serious pay cuts to keep their jobs. Then, I tried to be management’s cheerleader. Deciding to put the shoe on the other foot, I wanted to understand their role in the company and how everything affected them. I even wanted to assist in making their job easier as I often stepped into the role of management though my bills never saw the difference that I was trying to make in others lives. I understand that they feel over worked since now there are only half of them doing what feels like double the work and perhaps their personal lives are really suffering. Maybe that’s why they lacked logic when initially making the decision to even start the process of possibly firing me.

During this time I lost the ability to empathize with their plight as I also realize that we all must own our decisions that we make. I became a cheerleader for myself for the first time ever. Knowing that I love my job and my work ethic didn’t falter during this time as I was still attending work while still feeling under the weather, NOT because I needed the hours but because I knew that they needed me! As much as people may still believe that those who sit in my seat “do nothing” NO ONE wants to do my job UNLESS they want to sit down! Like I stated previously, I am a writer by nature…. During this time I fell in love with words all over again, and one thing that I remembered is an argument that I had with a coworker the first year that I worked for the company as well it being my first working year in GA. In which he exasperatively explained to me “Man, this is an at-will state, and I can work at my own will just as they can fire me at theirs!”

Heart Of The Matter

Sunday, April 21, 2002 IMAGE

Join me Saturday April 25, 2009 5-7PM EST as I celebrate being 7YRS STROKE FREE @ www.blogtalkradio.com/H–L–T or call 347-945-6182 to listen live with Kimyon Zari a life coach  in affiliation with The American Heart Association, Antron-Rechaud a self published poet living with AIDS, guest speaker khoLi will be discussing domestic violence with us, and guest poets MrzNikki, Dion Levy, & TaneshaD