The Theory of Homosexual To Heterosexual Conversion

In light of my recent blog about Donnie McClurkin, I’ve been getting a lot of feedback and the icing on the cake was a [former] friend of mine claiming that she was converting to heterosexuality. First, let me say this before I even go deep into this subject: [WARNING: THIS IS NOT A DISCLAIMER IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM!!!] As I’ve gotten older I have begun to question the existence of homosexuality as gender becomes so fluid. Personally, I’ll answer to any gender terminology as long as it’s respectful. Now, I have female friends who own more masculine identities who sometimes prefer to be acknowledged as such and even when they don’t I tend to do so anyway. Also I have male friends who carry themselves in a more feminine manner and they either prefer to be acknowledged as such or tend to be regardless of their preference. Then there are my transgender friends, some I’ve known since pre-transition and some post transition and I treat them no different because we are all human at the end of the day. Quite frankly, my personal motto is: “Everyone is gay until proven straight!”

        With that being said, I’ll approach this subject as most people do believing that there are alternative “sexual” lifestyles and not acknowledging how gender roles and expressions are up for question… If someone is genuinely homosexual whether it be gay, lesbian, or bisexual they will approach relationships with the gender that they prefer to build romantic relationships with and just like their heterosexual comrades they will court/date them to learn if that person is someone who they can build their life with. Also with that territory comes sexual relations between both consenting adults. Personally, I don’t believe that the act makes anyone “gay” (or even “straight” for that matter) but yet the intent behind it. There are people who experiment with the “lifestyle” this is what the “Q” in LGBTQ originally stood for – “Questioning” but some of us have adapted it to mean “Queer” (I am one of those people). Our “questioning” comrades have been known to be in “the life” build friendships and have relationships within the community and then one day decide for whatever reason that it’s not for them. Some have remained allies but others get so “holier than thou” that they openly discuss their disdain for “us” and our “lifestyle”. First, let me say this – no one “decides” to be ostracized from their communities and families because they love differently, I say love because as hard as it may be to conceptualize for some people it just really isn’t all about the sexual act for us! This is where I will discuss three incidents that are relative to me:

        CASE #1: My first girlfriend (in my adulthood) identifies herself as a straight woman and did so throughout our whole 2yr relationship and continues to do so even though she has tried to re-approach our relationship a number of times. I loved this woman thoroughly and would have spent my life with her but she could not commit to who she is (or was) so therefore even though we discussed it many times it would never come to fruition without her making any moves toward self-commitment. She has also had other relationships with other women but yet and still does not acknowledge her “homosexual” ways openly. Dangerous territory, if you ask me…

        CASE #2: My [former] college friend who had a live in girlfriend when I met her and was screaming rainbows throughout our friendship recently informed me that she was converting to heterosexuality. Now, quite frankly I take no issue with whom people prefer to build their lives with as that has nothing to do with me. It was her “religious” stand point on the issue that bothered me as I had known her for years and she never even mentioned having a relationship with [any] God, on top of the fact that I often spent the night at her house over the weekends so that I could get to my own church easier as it was just around the corner from her place of residence and she never took me up on the offer to join me… While that is neither here nor there at this point it does cause me to question many aspects of our friendship if that was indeed what we genuinely had. I tried to converse with her in order to understand her point of view on the situation but she honestly didn’t make any sense. She had gone through some trials and tribulations with a former partner of mine and fell in love with someone who did not share the feeling mutually with her. Eventually she claimed that her lesbianism was the direct cause of her anger. I openly laughed at the blasphemous statement as another “converted” friend of hers jumped into our conversation and spoke ill of me for not being “straight” which was also laced with religious rhetoric. All in all I grew tired of trying to understand someone who I felt only meant to harm me because I questioned her decision to go in a direction that was seemingly unnatural to her existence, que sera…

        CASE #3: I was just recently informed that a distant acquaintance of mine “converted to heterosexuality” after being a lesbian for most of her young adult life. The decision has something to do with her somewhat religious upbringing and since I really don’t know her well all I can do is wish her luck in her endeavors.

        I can tell you this about homosexuality that I know every gay person that I know, including the ones that I don’t would agree upon: No one would ever choose to live a life that would cause them to possibly be disowned by their families, ostracized from their communities with the potential of never knowing what it is to be a family. As it stands it is still against the law for us to get married in many states and though we are recognized in others it is not mandatory for that recognition to be upheld throughout all 50 of these un-United States of America. It’s even saddening for me to try to understand why I need a law to protect my union with another consenting adult regardless of their gender but I do know that this is the world in which I live in….

      While I proudly live my life as an open lesbian being I can totally understand why someone would choose to “convert to heterosexuality”. There is a lot of pressure on the gay community to conform to societal standards based off of gender stereotypes. Hate crimes and suicide are the leading cause of death of many members within our community. Sometimes the suicide is a direct effect of an experienced hate crime (or multiple as we are never subject to just one in our lifetime). This is not a pity party just basic facts that most people often overlook. The ordeal many gay people face when it comes to religion can be rather traumatizing in and of itself, I personally have been blessed to be inexperienced in this area but don’t let my somewhat liberal background fool you as it has taken my family 20yrs just to realize that THIS IS NOT A PHASE!

        Recently I was at an event called “Lez Talk” hosted by a group called “Lesbos Are mad” here in Atlanta, GA. The hostess invited her mother to come speak to us to help her gain a better understanding of her daughter. This woman spoke of having concern for her daughters’ spiritual well being and asked us all (who felt comfortable answering) what we would say if God was standing before us… God is a sore subject for a lot of people in the Gay community because we have been biblicly beaten by religious zealots, some our own flesh and blood. Yes, there was a lot of answering around her question and testimonials of some sort. I do remember her question being answered directly but unfortunately I don’t remember any specifics. The lyrics of india.aries’ song “Video” played in my head, specificly this particular verse:

“When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me

Every freckle on my face is where it’s supposed to be

And I know our creator didn’t make no mistakes on me

My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes;

I’m lovin’ what I see…….”

And this is exactly how I feel about it regardless of anyone elses perception of me. If you’re so concerned about any impending damnation on my soul (or anyone elses for that matter) I suggest that in love that you get down on bended knees and go deep in prayer on my behalf. It would be much more appreciated than hearing the same misinterpreted Bible scriptures verbally beaten into our brains incessantly.

        In conclusion, everyone is entitled to live their life loving in the manner that is natural to them. I have always loved women, I have also loved men (just as passionately and intensely as any Same Gender Loving relationship that I’ve been in) the difference being my intent. I would not be able to commit my life to any man completely because I genuinely love women , bottom line – no special extravagant explanation, just my plain Gods honest truth that I live with. I don’t seek tolerance from anyone but I do hope to gain acceptance by helping people understand who I am, in turn my community shall benefit from my efforts. I love no one any less if they decide that being gay is not for them, I of all people understand but to quote Albert Einstein “If you can’t explain it simply then you don’t understand it completely…”

        Lastly, in direct conflict of my last sentence – no one owes anyone an explanation but if at some point we don’t confidently speak the truths that we live daily we won’t ever see Martin Luther King Jrs  “Dream” fruition into reality:

“I have a dream that my four children will one day

live in a nation where they will not be judged by the

color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

Three Times is A Charm

 

I remember being in Bible study at a very young age and upsetting one of the older girls during play time because I was staring at her, I don’t remember particularly finding her attractive but there were things that were attractive about her… Specifically, her legs! She actually wanted to fight me but I was so confused by the whole situation that my older sister ended up intervening in the situation and bailing me out saying that I did that all of the time (though I have no recollection of this). When I was on the playground in Elementary all of the other girls were talking about the boys that they thought were cute and when they asked me I had to think hard about my response because I was initially going through my mind figuring out which one of THEM that I thought was the most attractive! I did have one male playmate that I would sneak off with during reading time to go play in our recreation area in the classroom, it was a kitchen set up but there was no gender role playing. We were just two friends who found something better to do with our time other than pay attention to our teacher. On one occasion I decided to kiss him on the cheek and then another male classmate within the same day to see if it would excite me any, it didn’t work and he and I never played together again.

       By time I was 9yrs old my sister teased me because my favorite artist were Michael Jackson, George Michael, and Milli Vanilli… She always claimed that they were gay and eventually she began calling me “Gay Lord”. In my young mind I felt that I had finally found a name for what I was but with the tone that she said it in I immediately knew that it was something I wasn’t supposed to be proud of but nonetheless I felt very relieved. Guilt started consuming me as the teasing persisted even though my father told her to stop. There was no one that I could talk to or identify with as my pleading eyes begged to see my reflection on the TV that needed pliers just to work. Eventually, there was one show which the title escapes me as it’s been nearly 20yrs since it was in syndication. It was about a women’s prison and my eyes were glued every night it aired waiting for the writers of the show to give two of the female cast members more freedom in their roles to act on their light flirtation with one another. Shortly after that happened it was cancelled and no other network picked it up, though I did notice one of the main characters would go on to have big screen fame and would appear in a few soap operas for extended periods but her name escapes me as well. Due to this strong lack of representation I often was confused about my gender, believing that I had been born in the wrong body because I was attracted to the same sex. One night after watching Howard Sterns’ late night show in my parents’ bedroom where he asked a scantily clad playmate in a red plaid uniform skirt barely touching her thighs, stripper heels, and breast spilling out over her blouse to jump up and down – I undoubtedly knew the truth about myself. I already felt like I walked around with this sign on my forehead that read “Hi, I’m Gay” so I took a pen to my parents bedroom wall and wrote: “Mommy, daddy help me. I like women” I had done it low enough to use one of their pillows to cover it up afterwards. I can’t tell you exactly how long it took for them to find it because I was a nervous wreck that entire night; however I can say that it was longer than a week. Upon the discovery my father exploded solely because someone wrote on the wall, tyrantly demanding to know “Who wrote on the wall?” never addressing the content of the sentence even when I admitted that I wrote it. Later, he would blame my mother for taking me to an Indian place of spiritual enlightenment called a “Dojo” where he felt that I had been influenced. No one ever had a full conversation with me regarding what I wrote on the wall other than talking amongst themselves saying various hurtful things without any regard for my feelings.

       Middle school became trying when I became extremely fond of a mysterious Latina who had a rich dark exotic nature. We had one class together, physical education. She never wore our uniform which was blue sweats and a white t-shirt, always something form fitting which was usually jeans and a tube top. Some of the best hours spent were walking with her around our baseball field. Around this time kids started spreading rumors about each other having AIDS, upon defending people inflicted with the disease I got accused of having it myself. AIDS being pegged the “gay cancer” made me panic, I felt that my secret was out and I began gay bashing one of my more masculine identified female teachers in order to fit in. I tried to like boys but my household wasn’t conducive to this feeling, so I taught myself to find things in guys that I found attractive in females…. Long hair, gorgeous eyes, nice legs, straight teeth, dark brown skin, big round gluteus maximus, athletic build, etc. eventually I was able to build up an attraction to guys but I wouldn’t consider it to be like “second nature”. This is not to take away from any of my relationships with the guys that I’ve dated, though most new my true feelings because my mantra was always “You won’t ever have to worry about me cheating on you with another guy, its females you need to worry about!”

       In high school 90% of the guys I liked were gay or “feminine” in their mannerisms, eventually I found myself attracted to a transgender friend (male to female). She was gorgeous and reminded me of my friend in middle school, also Latina (but that young lady was not transgender to my knowledge). With this revelation I decided to begin accepting my true feelings for females, by the age of 16 my high school had began a transition program for kids that lived in a group home for those who were otherwise homeless solely because their parents couldn’t accept their “alternative” lifestyles. The birth of “Project 10” an hour weekly session for kids who identified as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or questioning (LGBTQ) was lead by an openly gay male teacher in order for us to discuss our trials and tribulations. The “Q” was eventually dropped from the program because we often had up to 50 students who were more than likely our friends trying to get a “free pass” out of class, this made our core group no more than 15 students. During this time my close circle of friends began to change and those around me questioned my choices: “You know ___ is gay and everyone else is gonna think you are too?” in which my response would vary between: “And?”  “So?”  “Good, because I am!” “Why should I care?” This was a luxury considering what some of my other friends went through, One of my transgender friends (not the same one, but also male to female Latina)had to leave all of her classes 15minutes early as a precautionary method to ensure that she made it to her next class safely, another Latino friend who was a “raver” was often showered with homophobic slurs while walking the campus, though I would yell back “Fuck you!” or “Shut the fuck up!” in his honor he would tell me to just ignore them. I feel that no one should ever get used to being discriminated against, it is not a way of life! Most importantly he was my friend and friends stick together! The one rare time my father actually came to my school none of my new found friends were visible anywhere, it was like by some force of nature they were all stuffed in the janitors closet or something. I guess from every session of “Project 10” they knew that school was our safe place to be ourselves instead of at home…Also in this very same year a long lost cousin would arrive for a visit to reconnect with our family, she would confide in me that she was sick of the way guys treated her and was thinking about being with women in which I informed her that nothing would change in her relationships regardless of which gender she chose if she didn’t start choosing better people for her life and demand to be treated better by them and that I knew this through experience. She had a strained relationship with her older sister who got along better with my older sister who I didn’t get along with, which didn’t bother me because I was used to it. However for my cousin, who just got reinvolved in our family this was hard for her to accept and she would prove that she was willing to do anything to be in their good graces. One day, my sister came in my room (which she NEVER did!)to ask to borrow some nail polish… With her head stuck in the door which she slightly opened herself, her eyes panned my room and then she stepped in! I thought nothing of it, at the time my room was decorated with condoms all over the wall (though I wouldn’t lose my virginity until I turned 18 – true story, maybe later!)and various celebrity pictures, one in particular caught her eye: A picture of Marilyn Manson from his “Beautiful People” video (this is when he looked very Trans/androgynous, very controversial at the time – year ’97 I believe.)that my friend gave me before he transferred schools; I still LOVE that picture to this day! My sister then took me to her room to discuss it, I honestly don’t remember that conversation in any type of detail, and I just remember that it was emotional because we did discuss molestation and incest in that conversation. However, I did make it clear that I knew where she got her leading information from, she told me not to be mad at my cousin and I told her I wasn’t… Not for leading my second outing anyway, I was more so disgusted with that fact that our relationship seemed disposable for an opportunity to gain attention from 2 people who ordinarily could care less about her existence at the time. This isn’t a quality I admire in my friends let alone my own family! I haven’t spoken to her since.

       Throughout high school I primarily dated guys and had a few girlfriends. I even had a high school sweetheart who was probably one of the first people in my life to know that I had a proclivity for females which we discussed in great detail on many occasions. We even worked our “marriage” out so that I could continue to have relationships with females, unfortunately ours didn’t last a year but would pick back up throughout the relationship that he would have with the woman(an ex friend of mine) he would go on to marry and would continue throughout his marriage to her (for the record I always knew that I was one of many, just as he was… but our affair was one of the heart not of the body).Our relationship would end with him telling me that he would not leave his wife until his recently born daughter turned 13yrs old despite the fact that he himself was unhappy! I thought about what my life could be in 13yrs if I gave it the opportunity, surprisingly I didn’t “mourn” the “loss” of this relationship and moved forward. I would meet the woman who I would have my first adult lesbian relationship with shortly thereafter which would last 2yrs on & off. My high school sweetheart would try to make a comeback a couple of months later; he had a near death experience at a shooting range where the guy next to him committed suicide. Unfortunately it was too late; previously I was willing to make sacrifices that he couldn’t match. So like him, I began to live my life and that would be the last time that I would have to “Come out” to my family.